I realized something a few months back. I don’t look people in the eye anymore. Not because the things I say are untrue or insincere, but I guess because I no longer have the same confidence I used to. I think it must be because I don’t want to be seen.
I have a direct sales business and before I started doing weight watchers in October, I was doing a party for a friend of mine. A guy I used to date came in to talk to his girlfriend who was also there, and I immediately put my eyes to the floor. I don’t know if I thought he wouldn’t recognize me or if I just didn’t want to see that look of, “wow! She’s let herself go!” That is not the person I used to be at all. Back after I got engaged to my now hubby, I saw an ex at a bar and I looked him straight in the eye and thanked him for his congratulations and smiled knowing I had done better for myself, and knowing he was thinking, “Damn, that is what I missed.” Not that I wanted to be with him anymore, but I was proud knowing he regretted not sticking around.
After seeing this former romance, I noticed I don’t even look my husband in the eye anymore. It’s like I’m ashamed. I want so badly to not be seen that I have pushed him away from me.
Just the other night at a home show for my sales business, I noticed as I was doing my presentation, I made eye contact for a brief minute with one of the guests before my eyes again darted to the floor. I don’t know where to find that confidence anymore that I once had, but I know it’s in me somewhere.
This morning at the gym, all sweaty and gross, I found myself making eye contact talking to someone about the treadmill. It’s a small step, but it’s a start right? I know someday, soon I hope, I will look in the mirror and remember that I am worth seeing.