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Looking People in the Eye

03 Mar

I realized something a few months back.  I don’t look people in the eye anymore.  Not because the things I say are untrue or insincere, but I guess because I no longer have the same confidence I used to.  I think it must be because I don’t want to be seen. 

I have a direct sales business and before I started doing weight watchers in October, I was doing a party for a friend of mine.  A guy I used to date came in to talk to his girlfriend who was also there, and I immediately put my eyes to the floor.  I don’t know if I thought he wouldn’t recognize me or if I just didn’t want to see that look of, “wow!  She’s let herself go!”  That is not the person I used to be at all.  Back after I got engaged to my now hubby, I saw an ex at a bar and I looked him straight in the eye and thanked him for his congratulations and smiled knowing I had done better for myself, and knowing he was thinking, “Damn, that is what I missed.”  Not that I wanted to be with him anymore, but I was proud knowing he regretted not sticking around.

After seeing this former romance, I noticed I don’t even look my husband in the eye anymore.  It’s like I’m ashamed.  I want so badly to not be seen that I have pushed him away from me. 

Just the other night at a home show for my sales business, I noticed as I was doing my presentation, I made eye contact for a brief minute with one of the guests before my eyes again darted to the floor.  I don’t know where to find that confidence anymore that I once had, but I know it’s in me somewhere. 

This morning at the gym, all sweaty and gross, I found myself making eye contact talking to someone about the treadmill.  It’s a small step, but it’s a start right?  I know someday, soon I hope, I will look in the mirror and remember that I am worth seeing.

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3 Comments

Posted by on March 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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3 responses to “Looking People in the Eye

  1. hannahjrich

    March 7, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    I feel this same exact way sometimes. It is the main reason I am doing this for myself! I want to love myself, so that I can let others love me too. I think it’s a huge step in the right direction for us to even take the time to REALIZE that we do that. Good for you!

     

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