It has been about 6 months since I decided I wasn’t happy with the me aspect of my life. I didn’t like watching my boys play instead of playing with them, I didn’t like the size 22 pants that filled my dresser drawer, I hated struggling to reach my feet to cut my toe nails. I avoided mirrors, scales, dressing rooms and making eye contact with my husband.
At this point, I’m down 42.5 pounds (thanks to a 2.5 pound weight loss this week), I’m down to a size 14/16, I’m up off the couch going to zumba 3 times a week, running once a week and spending another day in the weight room. I get down on the floor and play with my kids, I even volunteered to take my oldest to the park the other day (it was too cold and he only went down the slide once, but I was happy to feel like I could get out and play). I am changed.
I still have a long way to go… I still struggle to look people in the eye, I still avoid mirrors and I still wonder what my husband sees in me. But, I’m getting there. I’m closer than I was yesterday and will be even closer tomorrow.
Today I got a new Oragami Owl charm for my necklace. It’s inspired by the Rascal Flatts song, Changed. There is a line in the song that says, “I’ve changed for the better, more smiles, less bitter. I even started to forgive myself.”
I don’t know how I let it get to the point it did, and I guess I didn’t see how bad it was. I looked at myself and thought, “how is that the number on the scale? There is no way I look like I weigh that much. I wasn’t even fooling myself. But that is not me anymore. I have more life in me than I have had in years. I am changed.