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How do I look?

23 Mar

I’ve been wearing blinders for the last few years.  I was convinced I didn’t look as heavy as the scale said I did, I was sure while I weighed more than 260 pounds, there was no way I looked like I weighed more than 200 (not like that is small, but it’s def smaller than I was).  I saw people on shows like the Biggest Loser and saw their weight was the same as mine and I thought to myself, “There is no way I look that big!”

Looking back, with 42 pounds gone and a lot more to go, I have realized I was only kidding myself.  I see pictures of myself that I refer to as my “thinspiration” and as cliche as it is, I can’t believe I let myself get to that point.  I’m disappointed, and disgusted and woken up.

Last night while I was at Zumba, there was a girl who was on the heavier side and she struggled to do a lot of the moves.  Her steps were small and her movements were not like a lot of the other people in the room.  She really inspired me.  She stood in the front row and gave it what she had for the entire hour.  I found myself giving more, because she was giving it all she had.  While I hid in my spot in the back, no longer blind to the fact that I am one of the fat chicks in my zumba class, I wished for her courage to stand in the front row.  Maybe some day soon, I’ll find myself there, but not yet.  I can hardly talk myself into the middle of the gym, let alone the front.

I have made a goal for myself, other than my weight loss goal, and that is to keep my eyes wide open.  I never want to hide the truth from myself again.  I never want to have to.

This picture was taken of me a couple summers back, not even at my heaviest.  Looking at this I think I look the 250 pounds I was carrying.

This picture was taken of me a couple summers back, not even at my heaviest. Looking at this I think I look the 250 pounds I was carrying.

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1 Comment

Posted by on March 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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One response to “How do I look?

  1. djuehring

    April 4, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Way to go. So proud of you. Keep going and keep journalling. Praying for your success. In Health, Debbie of http://www.debbiedoeshealth2.com

     

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