I’ve been wearing blinders for the last few years. I was convinced I didn’t look as heavy as the scale said I did, I was sure while I weighed more than 260 pounds, there was no way I looked like I weighed more than 200 (not like that is small, but it’s def smaller than I was). I saw people on shows like the Biggest Loser and saw their weight was the same as mine and I thought to myself, “There is no way I look that big!”
Looking back, with 42 pounds gone and a lot more to go, I have realized I was only kidding myself. I see pictures of myself that I refer to as my “thinspiration” and as cliche as it is, I can’t believe I let myself get to that point. I’m disappointed, and disgusted and woken up.
Last night while I was at Zumba, there was a girl who was on the heavier side and she struggled to do a lot of the moves. Her steps were small and her movements were not like a lot of the other people in the room. She really inspired me. She stood in the front row and gave it what she had for the entire hour. I found myself giving more, because she was giving it all she had. While I hid in my spot in the back, no longer blind to the fact that I am one of the fat chicks in my zumba class, I wished for her courage to stand in the front row. Maybe some day soon, I’ll find myself there, but not yet. I can hardly talk myself into the middle of the gym, let alone the front.
I have made a goal for myself, other than my weight loss goal, and that is to keep my eyes wide open. I never want to hide the truth from myself again. I never want to have to.