Monthly Archives: March 2013

I ate it! I ate it all!

I have been doing weight watchers for about 6 months and today was my first splurge.

Not like it was that bad, but then why do I feel so guilty?

I’m one of those people who rarely eats my flex points (weight watchers you get a daily allotment of points and some weekly extras to use on whatever you want, known as flex points) and I hardly ever eat my activity points (extra points you get for exercising).  I guess I feel like I have plenty to lose and so I get plenty of points during the day so I don’t use them.  I’m so afraid I will either gain or not lose by eating those points and I feel like it’s a waste of exercise if I just eat it so I just don’t do it.

Today started like any other day.  I was planning on Chinese for dinner so I ate light for most of the day.  I was doing really well.  I had my hubby grab my dinner on his lunch break so I could fill my Chinese craving in its entirety, so I had my egg roll and crab rangoon for lunch so I’d have enough points for my rice and chicken and broccoli for dinner.

That was an excellent plan, until my hubby decided he wanted to do pizza for his dinner, and it spiraled from there.  I ate the topping off one piece of pizza (I’m a sucker for melty, greasy cheese) after eating my Chinese.  That wouldn’t have been so bad.  I was only over my daily points by about 4.

So not 20 minutes later, my parents stopped by and left their left over KFC for my oldest.  He decided he didn’t want it, so even though I had just eaten chicken and broccoli, rice and pizza topping and was not hungry in the slightest, I decided I needed to eat it instead.  Mid-way through eating the delicious, crunchy fried goodness, I looked up how many points it was.  Not sure if it was a good idea or a bad idea.  It was 14!!  I guess that is what my flex points are for, but I just feel so guilty and right back where I was a few months ago, eating simply because it tasted good.

I know I’ve come a long way from where I was 6 months ago.  I know that instead of sitting on my butt, I’ll get up tomorrow and work myself into a crazy sweat tomorrow evening at zumba.  It just scares me to think of how easy it is or would be to go back to where I was before.  It takes so much hard work to change your life and is so easy to revert back.

I guess I need to cut myself some slack since guilt will only make me want to eat more.  Tomorrow is a new day!  In the meantime, I think I need to go to bed so I don’t eat anymore tonight.


Posted by on March 21, 2013 in Uncategorized


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It has been about 6 months since I decided I wasn’t happy with the me aspect of my life.  I didn’t like watching my boys play instead of playing with them, I didn’t like the size 22 pants that filled my dresser drawer, I hated struggling to reach my feet to cut my toe nails.  I avoided mirrors, scales, dressing rooms and making eye contact with my husband.

At this point, I’m down 42.5 pounds (thanks to a 2.5 pound weight loss this week), I’m down to a size 14/16, I’m up off the couch going to zumba 3 times a week, running once a week and spending another day in the weight room.  I get down on the floor and play with my kids, I even volunteered to take my oldest to the park the other day (it was too cold and he only went down the slide once, but I was happy to feel like I could get out and play).  I am changed.

I still have a long way to go… I still struggle to look people in the eye, I still avoid mirrors and I still wonder what my husband sees in me.  But, I’m getting there.  I’m closer than I was yesterday and will be even closer tomorrow.

Today I got a new Oragami Owl charm for my necklace.  It’s inspired by the Rascal Flatts song, Changed.  There is a line in the song that says, “I’ve changed for the better, more smiles, less bitter.  I even started to forgive myself.”


I don’t know how I let it get to the point it did, and I guess I didn’t see how bad it was.  I looked at myself and thought, “how is that the number on the scale?  There is no way I look like I weigh that much.  I wasn’t even fooling myself.  But that is not me anymore.  I have more life in me than I have had in years.  I am changed.


Posted by on March 20, 2013 in Uncategorized


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I woke up this morning feeling super excited that I was not at all sore from my run!  Last week, it took me about 4 days to feel even remotely “normal” again.  It felt really great knowing my body had already adjusted to that activity and was handling it better than it had last week.

So I headed to the gym for my orientation with one of the trainers.  Confident in my strength and previous progress, I looked at the list she gave me for lower body days and thought, “Well that doesn’t look that hard.”  I was wrong!

The goal of my workouts is to keep my heart rate up so I can burn fat since I’m still working to shed lots of pounds.  Half-way into the set, I was sweating and def burning some calories.

A lot of the reps are things I can do at home, which is pretty amazing, since it is not always easy to get to the gym whenever I want to since I have 2 little ones at home.  My set starts with 12 leg presses at 135 pounds, followed by 12 squats, 12 Pilates squats (with toes turned out), followed by switch lunges (lunge with one leg, then jumping to a lunge on the other leg…this is still something I’m trying to get the coordination to do without falling over), calf hops then an ab machine crunch, curl thingy, then repeat 4 times.

Not sure if it was the 2 sets I had time to do today, or the running yesterday or a combination of both, but my legs are SCREAMING!  Steps are not my friend and I work on the second floor of a non-handicap accessible building.  If I hop down the steps, I’m good, any bending at the knees; not so much!

Can’t imagine what it will be like the first day I make it through all 4 reps!  I’m really looking forward to ZUMBA tonight so I can loosen up those thigh muscles.  They certainly need it!

In the meantime, thanks to Kim for setting me up with a workout that I’m pretty sure is going to be just what I need to keep me moving in the right direction.  While my legs hate you right now, they will love you this summer when they’re looking much more slender in a bathing suit.

Best words of wisdom I got today: when I said I wanted to get rid of what I lovingly refer to as my kangaroo pouch from having 2 babies (I will often refer to it as my fat flap, anyone who has seen the movie “Click” with Adam Sandler will understand the reference), she said, “Cardio, cardio, cardio!  People think that doing a bunch of ab exercises will do it, but we all have abs under there somewhere, we just have to find them!”

Here’s to finding my abs and making it through the day having to go up and down the stairs!

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Posted by on March 18, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Never Been a Runner Part 2

A while ago I posted a blog about the fact that I have never been a runner.  It has never been something I enjoyed and most certainly never something I’ve been good at.

I made a goal to do a 5k this year and I signed up to do one on April 7th.  Last week I went for my first run since high school taking it nice and slow.  SLOW being a key word there.

Today I went again and went a little further this time and was actually able to run a good portion of the uphills.

After my run, my running buddy mentioned a 5k she is doing on the 30th and planted the seed that I should consider it.  This race is known for being flat.  Perfect for me!  If there is one thing I hate more than running, it’s running hills.  She also gave me a book to read about how exercise is largely mental.

On my way home, I decided, I’m going to go for it!  I have never been a runner, but it’s time to reprogram my brain.  I can be a runner, I can complete a 5k and before the season is over, I CAN RUN THE ENTIRE THING!  I can, and I will.

When I started gaining weight, at first I didn’t see it as a problem, and by the time I did, I thought I was too fat to be able to be as active as I needed to be to get the weight off.  I know, way to make excuses, right?  I was so heavy that my feet hurt, my back hurt, my knees hurt…well, you get the picture.

Something I have learned in the past few weeks is that I could have done it.  I could have gotten my ass off the couch and gone for a walk or a run or to zumba.  I could have stopped it before it got to the 262 pounds that it did.  I have control over my body, not the other way around, just like I have the control to keep my legs moving when my lungs and muscles are screaming at me to stop.

I need to start having some faith in myself.  Gaining back my confidence is going to start at the starting line next Saturday.  And my husband and my boys will be there to cheer me on, and while I never thought I would say this, I’m looking forward to it!

I am a runner!  And as cheesy as it sounds, I am anything I want to be.

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Posted by on March 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


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I Miss my Friend

The other night, as we pulled into the parking lot on the way to Zumba, I recognized the license plate of the car parked next to us.  I hurried into the locker room, hoping to catch someone I haven’t seen in years.  I got changed and as I was about to leave the locker room I saw my best friend’s mother.

Our greeting was complete with big hugs and shrieks of happiness catching most of the people in the locker rooms attention.

She looked great.  She looked happy!  And yet I still had to try hard to fight back tears.  She had been like a mother to me, I spent so many hours in her home in high school, it was like I lived there.  It had been about 6 years.  When I got engaged, my hubby and and we spent about 2 hours sitting on her porch in the sunshine talking and laughing.  I’m angry at myself for letting that much time go by, but then sometimes, it hurts to see her without Lacy.

Lacy was my best friend from as far back as I can remember.  We spent countless hours talking about boys, eating veggies and dip, dancing in the living room, cruising around (like teenagers tend to do in a small town where things rarely happen) and sharing secrets.  Her smile could light up a room and when she laughed it was infectious.  She was beautiful, in all senses of the word.  In our high school yearbook she listed me as one of her heroes and now I count her as mine.

Lace was diagnosed with a rare form of adolescent bone cancer (Ewings Sarcoma) when she was 18 years old.  She went through very intense treatments that made her so sick, she had to be hospitalized every time she had chemo.  Her beautiful dark hair fell out in clumps.  She was afraid to wash her hair.  I remember the tears of sadness, hurt and of fear as she fought her mother not to wash it, in fear more would fall out.

Those moments where you saw her struggle with what she was going through were very few and far between.  She forged a fight like I had never seen before.  She cracked jokes about her illness (“The good thing about chemo is you never have to shave your legs,”) she kept smiling that smile and she kept dancing.  Lace loved to dance, and she never let the pain stop her.

After a bout of sandwich chemo (chemo for 2 weeks, then radiation, then back to chemo) for several months, Lace was in remission.  No words ever sounded so sweet!

The celebration was short lived.  We found out right around her 21st birthday that the cancer had spread to her lungs.  I remember some of us girls were supposed to get together and Lace called me and told me she wasn’t feeling up to it.  I remember how the tears flowed as she told me the news.  I had been hopeful and this was the last thing we were hoping for.  But she remained hopeful, still smiling that smile.  She started going to get experimental treatments that worked for a while before the cancer started to grow again.

I was at work one night when we got the news that Lace had experienced a brain bleed while on her way to her treatments.  She had lost a lot of mobility and the cancer had spread to her brain.

With all that bad news, her hospital room was still always filled with laughter.  That was the room the nurses wanted to go in.  We would spend hours talking and laughing and all just being together.

They started radiation on her brain and she eventually made it home.  She stayed in a hospital bed in her living room since she was unable to take the stairs to get to her room.

She was doing so well, or seemed to be.  But then, Lace always smiling and laughing, always seemed to be ok.

On September 25th 2006, I got the news I had never wanted or expected to hear.  In an instant my world would never be the same.  Lace was gone. The best friend and the best woman I have ever known was gone.

Her mom took every minute she had to be with Lace.  She took leave from work and took her to every treatment, every doctor’s appointment and shared every quiet moment that the rest of us were shielded from.  When I see her face, I see Lacy and so many memories, smiles, and tears.  Seeing her reminds me of a place I will never be again, with my friend.  I guess that’s why I haven’t tried as hard as I could to see her more often.

Right before Zumba started, she walked up to be and pointed to my Livestrong bracelet. (Lace got me one the Christmas after she was first diagnosed, and while I’ve had to buy new ones since then, I have not gone a day without wearing it since)  She tapped my wrist and smiled, that beautiful smile (I know that’s where Lace got it from) and said “She’s always with you isn’t she?”

Yes, she certainly is.

Seeing her mom the other night reminded me how very much I miss my friend.  There never has or ever will be anyone like her ever again in this world.  Seeing her also made me realize I shouldn’t be avoiding her mom because I miss Lace, but I should be spending more time with her.  I see so much of Lace in her.  I see perseverance and determination.  I see that smile and hear that laugh and I’m taken back to the many hours I spent with Lacy.

I feel guilty for not keeping better touch with her, but I’m going to do my best to change that.  Not only is my best friend gone, but so is her daughter.  I think maybe she needs me as much as I need her.


I’m gearing up for my second year participating in Relay for Life.  I relay for Lace and all the other best friends.  I still pick up the phone to call her sometimes.  I wonder what her life would be like now.  I wish she could meet my husband and my babies.  I wish we could turn up the radio, and dance until our breath was gone.  Someday…. someday


Posted by on March 15, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Drinking Lots of Water

I talked to one of my friends who is a nutritionist the other day and I decided one of my biggest problems with weight loss is I don’t drink nearly enough water, so yesterday I really made that my main focus.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t drink enough water when I’m not working out so this is a real stretch for me.  I started my water binge around 10:30 and by 3:30 I had drank 60 ounces!  That is crazy for me since usually I’m doing well if I get in 20 by that time.  By the time I went to bed, I had drank more than 80 ounces of water!  Yay me!

I know for my weight I should be drinking even more than that, but baby steps…

Now if I can just follow through and so it for more than one day I should be all set.  So far today, not so good, but there’s a lot of day left!  Guess I’d better get drinking!


Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Knew it would hapen eventually

Had my first gain today since I started Weight Watchers in October.  It was only .2 pounds, but still.  One the bar graph .2 pounds of weight loss looks so small but when it’s a gain, it looks huge!  I knew it was coming and it was only a matter of time before it happened, I was just hoping it would be when I was a whole lot closer to my goal.

I know .2 pounds seems like nothing to some people.  Maybe if I hadn’t had pickles on my sandwich yesterday, or had a little less sodium throughout the day, but to me .2 pounds is a big deal!  That’s how I go here.  .2 pounds here, a pound there all added up to 262 pounds.  It scares me how hard it has been to drop the 40 pounds I have and how easy it is to gain, and how easy it is to hit a wall.

I also have to remind myself that I’m doing what’s best for my body.  While I want to fit into smaller clothes, that number on the scale is a huge motivation for me.  That is the most obvious place you see all your hard work pay off.  It’s even more frustrating that I stuck to my points like it was my job and spent more than 3 1/2 hours exercising last week.

Last night I spent some time talking to a good friend whom I haven’t talked to in way too long (she introduced me to my husband and how we had let so much time go by without talking, I don’t know).  She is a nutritionist and I needed to rack her brain about how I can get the full weight loss potential from my workouts.  She had a few things for me to try and I thought I’d share them on here.

First, even though fruit and most veggies are no points, there are calories in them.  She suggested adding at least 1 piece of fruit per day to give my body something to burn.  Of course while I know there is no way at 220 pounds my body is starving, it doesn’t and I have totally shocked my system theses last few months and especially the last few weeks with working out.

Next she suggested avocado.  While it is kinda high in fat it is good fat.  It would be a way to use some of the activity points (for those that don’t know you can earn points by working out) I’m earning without having to really eat more.  While this is a suggestion I won’t be following, I still thought I would share.  Don’t know why, but avocado reminds me of vomit!  YUCK!

Next, one of the more obvious ones, DRINK MORE WATER!  I am not a water drinker.  I struggle to get in the recommended 64 ounces on any given day, let alone the days where I should up my water intake for added physical activity.  I’m lucky if I get to 48 ounces a day.  I know it would be better for me and now here is my motivation, staring me in the face on the scale.

Another suggestion was to drink some chocolate milk right after a work out.  Something about the sugar in the chocolate and the protein in the milk… she did suggest making it with skim milk and with the syrup or the powder so I could be sure I’m not getting too much.

There was a lot more chit chat than that, but those are the basics.  Between catching up and the boys screaming in the back ground, my brain could only hold so much information.  I could tell you more about her job, her apartment and her boyfriend, since those are the other things I retained, but I’m not sure she would appreciate it.

So here I am.  Ready to start another week.  I am doing what I can, and I try to remind myself daily, it’s not those silly little numbers (I wish they were little, that’s the problem) on a scale, it is how I feel, and I feel good, except for when those damn numbers appear.

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Posted by on March 13, 2013 in Uncategorized


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