There are days when I look in the mirror and see all of my hard work paying off. Then there are the days when I see all the work that is still to be done and and for that moment, standing in the mirror, the distance I have come doesn’t matter.
Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was getting ready to get in the shower and our wonderful, huge mirror that sits directly behind the toilet (not my choice of placement, we rent), caught my attention.
I have had 2 children and I’m not one of those lucky women whose body snaps right back to perfection after having children. My youngest is 8 months old, and my stomach still looks like a deflated balloon. I remember saying to my husband after the birth of our first, the first time I went to get in the shower at the hospital, I felt like Adam Sandler in the movie Click when he wakes up from a coma, has lost a ton of weight, and screams, “I have a fat flap! Fat flap, fat flap!” And that was how I felt after just one child.
I used to pride myself on my flat tummy, I had to squeeze my thighs into pants, but it seems to be the opposite now. I have to suck in and squeeze, only to find myself with a mommy muffin top once I finally get my pants buttoned. It seems no matter what I do, that “fat flap” is still there. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my body for carrying 2 baby boys, and I’m amazed by what a woman’s body is able to do, but that kangaroo pouch is something I am the most self conscious of.
Then I noticed my thighs. I know I am building muscles under there, I can feel it, but in my reflection all I see is rolls, wrinkles and dimples. And don’t even get me started on my arms.
I know my hard work will pay off eventually. I know even if I can’t see it at this moment, it already is. I know it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but as hard as I’m working, I want it to work faster! 1 pound at a time, I know is spectacular, but when there is so much to lose it seems so tiny. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow morning 150 pounds and a size 6, but I know that’s not going to happen. I know it will take much more than a day to lose the 60 pounds I need to lose to get to that point.
Yesterday, all I wanted to do was put on my size 24 capri pants and feel bad about myself. I wanted to lay down on my bed and pull the covers over my head so no one could see what I do. But I have 2 children. There is no time for that when you’re home alone with 2 kids. I knew hiding my head in the sand is what I have been doing for too long now, and it’s time to face the fact that my body is not what it was 10 years ago. It’s time to stare into the mirror and see the 60 pounds I still have left to lose.
After that was all said and done, I decided instead of putting on my fat clothes, I would instead put on the smallest pair of pants that I can fit in. I’m wearing mostly 14s (from 22-24), but I have a pair of rogue Old Navy Bermuda Shorts that are a size 10! I straightened my hair (I think it makes me look thinner), and put on some makeup, and went with my hubby and my boys to a barbeque with friends at my sister’s.
It only took a few minutes of looking in the mirror dressed and made up, to feel better, and to know that in 6 months when I’m even closer to my goal, I’ll feel even better. I know, there will still be days when I look in the mirror and see something that disgusts me, but I won’t let that dictate who I am or who I can be.