One of my favorite quotes is from Christopher Robbin. “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” The more I work out, the harder I push myself, the more I’m beginning to believe that quote.
Over the past few years I have let myself become something I see as a failure. I have failed as a friend, becoming more and more of a home body, avoiding going out where people might see how much weight I’ve gained. I have failed as a wife by gaining so much weight, one would hardly recognize me as the woman in my wedding pictures. All the times my son asked me to get on the floor and play with him and I said no because I was so heavy it hurt my back and put my feet to sleep, I failed as a mother. I failed myself. I didn’t think I was capable of ballooning to the point I did, I didn’t think I was strong enough to get my butt up off the couch to work it off, and I didn’t think I had the will power to say no to some of the foods I loved the most. I lost control of myself, my weight and my life.
At the end of the day, one thing I am able to do is reduce myself to feeling like nothing. But I’m not nothing, I wasn’t then and the more work I put into myself and my health the more I believe that.
I started a new workout last week. A workout that is going to require me to put a little more faith in myself. Monday night at my WOD (Workout of the day), we were given a workout that included 8 sets of kettle ball swings and running. I got 2 sets in, and I was certain, there was no way I was going to be able to do all 8. I had barely started and I had already given up on myself. I played mind games with myself. After that first 2 I kept thinking, I’m almost halfway, then I was halfway, then only a few more, and then, I was done. I wanted to quit, but I didn’t. I wanted to walk some of my running laps, but I kept moving. For that minute, I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.
I told the instructor of my class before I started that I needed to accomplish some things I didn’t think I was capable of, and that’s what I did. It was an amazing feeling. It felt so good to push myself to limits I never thought I could get to, and then to keep on going.
Every time I get down on the floor with my son and play, or slide down the slide with him at the playground, or find myself making eye contact for a minute before turning away, or feel my husband’s gaze on the new found muscles in my legs, I get stronger, I get braver and I get closer to becoming the person I deserve to be. I can’t wait for next week when I will get a chance to get back in the gym for another WOD and another chance to prove to myself, there’s more in me than I think.