Monthly Archives: July 2013

Today, I like what I see

It has been several years since I’ve looked in the mirror and liked what I’ve seen.  At 262 pounds, I avoided mirrors, and cameras and pretended I didn’t have a problem.  I told myself I didn’t look as heavy as I did.  I would see someone I knew who was over weight and think “I don’t look nearly as big as she does.”  When I got size 22 pants for Christmas I thought there was no way they would fit me, and when they did, I told myself it was because they were cheaply made, so they ran small.  It’s funny how losing some of the weight has changed that.

The other day, I was going through photos for a before and after comparison.  I know that I looked every bit the 262 pounds that I was.  I know I fit in size 22 pants because I was overweight.  I know I had a BMI of 43.  I never had the guts to check it before starting this journey but when I put in my old weight, it said to “Take action immediately!”  I was at an increased risk for so many things that could take me away from the beautiful children I prayed so hard to get.  My 262 pounds didn’t look any different than anyone else who weighs more than 250 pounds, no matter what I told myself.

For a long time on my weight loss journey, rather than being proud of what I have accomplished, I see where I want to be, and am disappointed I let myself get to the point I did. 

But something has changed in me recently.  I’m not trying to sound conceded, but when I stop and think about it, I’m in awe of what I have accomplished.  I have lost 80 pounds since October.  That’s an average of nearly 9 pounds a month and have lost more than 12 inches in my hips alone (that since I did my measurements last, about 2 months ago)!  I can fit comfortably into a size 12!  I can walk a mile and barely get winded.  I’m down to a 30 BMI (which is so close to being over weight vs obese).  I can share a seat with my son and not feel like I’m squishing him. 

Sometimes I find myself thinking, 80 pounds…I have lost 80 pounds.  I have lost my 4 year old, my 2 year old niece and my 11 month old son with a couple pounds to spare.

This morning I looked in the mirror and noticed, there was no muffin top sticking over the top of my pants, there were no rolls on my back, and I never say this, but I looked good! 

While I would generally worry about what people would think of me for tooting my own horn like this, today I don’t care.  Today I’m proud of what I’ve done!  Today, I’m happy with my body, and while I still have more left I want to lose, I’m a different person from here on, no matter how many more sizes I drop and that is something I should be proud of!


Posted by on July 31, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Needing a Reboot

It’s been a while since I have posted, or even updated my weight or work out journal.  I’ve been struggling to find my motivation, my will power and my energy.  

Saying no to foods this week has been tough for me.  I always have good intentions, and never plan a splurge, but I just can’t seem to stop myself!  The other day I had Chinese food for lunch.  I have acknowledged this a trigger food for me and have said in the past, I just can’t have it because I don’t know when to say when.  I made a decent decision when I ordered, planning for only a total of 10 points.  It should have been plenty of food, but after I ate what I had planned, I ate some more, then I ate some of my moms.  When all was said and done I had devoured at least 21 points (I get 29 in a day). 

This wasn’t the only time I had a splurge this week.  Everyday I would say, “Today I will do better, today I won’t use any flex points,” and it hasn’t happened this week.  One day, I thought I did so great, until the next morning when I remembered a snack I had forgotten to track.  And another day, after waiting in line at Wendy’s to order a small chilli (5 points) and a half ceasar salad with grilled chicken (7 points without croutons), only to be told they were out of both, I went to McDonald’s and ate french fries instead.

To go with all the can’t stop stuffing my face moments I’ve had this week, my gym schedule has been screwed all up.  I got in my Monday and Wednesday zumba sessions, which were great, then it was all down hill from there.  Thursday I planned to go to WOD.  I had to travel about 45 minutes to help my mom out with some things, and since WOD is between her house and mine, I figured I’d go right from her house.  I got almost there and realized I had left my work out clothes at home.  I was wearing jean Bermuda Shorts and a push up bra, so I called around to a few friends to see if anyone had anything I could borrow with no luck.  Where my parents live there is no where I could have just got and bought some, so I missed it.

That night we got a call from our usual Friday sitter for our kids saying she was sick.  I found someone to watch the boys so I could go to work, but wasn’t able to get to zumba Friday. 

This all being said, I know I could have made it work with exercise if I had really tried.  I could have gone for a run Thursday or Saturday.  I could have hauled out my zumba dvds, or done some dancing with our xbox 360 Kinect, but I didn’t.  I sat on my butt, took several naps in the afternoon and ate. 

It was reminiscent of how I used to spend my days.  It always scares me when I find myself falling into these old habits.  I know those unhealthy habits are what got me to 262 pounds.  It has taken months to re-train my body and for my routines to become habit.  It’s amazing how it can take just a few days to revert back. 

Unlike the past however, I’m working to find my way back on track.  I managed to stay within my points yesterday, and that is my plan for today, and this evening, I plan on spending an hour sweating like crazy and loving every second. 

I left food be a weakness in me for too long.  Today I will remind myself how strong I have become and how strong I have always been.

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Posted by on July 29, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Fit or Fat Part 2

I was able to catch up with the trainer last night to get a reading on how much of my weight is fat.  I was a little nervous about it but it was so simple.  They have this little machine that kind of looks like bicycle handles.  You put in your height, weight and gender, then hold the handles and it give you a reading.  My BMI was just what I expected, 30.8 (getting closer, since I started at 43) and my fat percentage was 34.9%

I looked it up online after I left the gym and a “healthy” percentage of fat for my age and height is 33%.  I’m so close!  I just wish I had thought to do a read out like this when I started over 75 pounds ago, or had done it when I started going to the gym 40 pounds ago.  It would have been really interesting to see what the number was then.

Now I want one of those little machine things for myself.  I think I’d probably get a little obsessive about checking it after every workout to see if I had gained any muscle.

Speaking of, my WOD yesterday was amazing.  You know you had a good workout when your legs are like jello after the first round, and there were 4.  Today it hurts to sit and lift my arms over my head, but I love it!  Hoping to see a much smaller percentage of fat next time around!

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Posted by on July 20, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Fit or Fat

I’m getting really excited to get “weighed” tonight!  After zumba, one of the trainers is going to do my body fat/muscle measurements.  While I wish I had something to compare to, I’m really anxious to see where I stand with my muscle mass.

I know 8 months ago there was not a lot of muscle mass on my body.  I’m also really interested to see how close I am to a healthy BMI by that measurement.  Right now, I’m still considered obese.  Only by .8, but still…  That number is down a lot from where I stared.  I started with a BMI of 43.6 and am now at 30.8. 

That being said, I am wearing the same size I wore in high school, but am still tipping the scale at about 25 pounds more than high school.  I’m working out 3-4 times a week and know that my body make up is totally different than it was when I started.

If it actually happens tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes.  I’m a little nervous that it’s going to be higher than I expect but I just have to remind myself it’s lower than it was. 

According to my weight, I would have to lose more than 36 pounds still to be a “healthy’ BMI, so it will be really interesting to see where I stand.

On another note, I finally got my 75 pound barbell at Weight Watchers today.  I got there before July 4th, but then had a gain (which still kept me at over 75) but just didn’t have the funds to make it to a meeting.  I finally did today, and while it might just be a small dangle on my key chain, I so thrilled!


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Posted by on July 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


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A French Fry Kind of Weekend

I have posted before about my inability to resits french fries.  You might think that after several months of the same healthy eating style that I might find it easier to resist.  I can say, for me, that certainly is not the case.

For some reason, I always think I can eat just 1 french fry.  This one fry leads to 10 plus.  On Sunday I ate several cold and doggy fries left over from one of my parent’s take out lunches.  You wouldn’t think that cold, soggy fries would be so hard to resist, but I thought I was going to have to dump them on the ground and step on them, since just dumping them on the ground wouldn’t have been enough (I probably would have looked around to make sure no on was watching and eaten them off the ground). 

Later the same day, I ordered dinner (take out, it was that kind of weekend too) for my son.  His came with french fries.  I had ordered a salad with light dressing.  Yay!  That was until I opened my sons meal and smelled the crispy, greasy goodness and proceeded to eat half of his fries. 

My will power is so strong in some cases.  I spend days, weeks, months avoiding those foods that are bad for me.  Sometimes they are sitting right in front of me in my home and sometimes I go out to the kitchen to get some for my husband, and yet I still manage to pass it over.  Then there are times when I could just sit down and eat every last bite.  When it comes to fries, I could probably eat my own and everyone else’s at the table. 

I know I will have to face these foods on a regular basis.  I know I will have to learn when to say when and when to say no.  I have learned a lot of that in the past few months.  But there is just something about french fries.  Lord please keep me out of the french fries!

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Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Hurt So Good

Yesterday was a WOD day.  It had been a few weeks since I had been and at first I thought about skipping again because I was having a great day with my little family, but I decided I really need to go; I really wanted to go, and it was AMAZING!

I’m pretty sure when I left, I felt every muscle in my body and I had sweat off at least 5 pounds.  We had 10 rounds that included the dreaded man maker.  It was another one of those nights when I got 3 rounds in and there would be no way I could do all 10 rounds.  I may have been the last one finished, but I finished.  There were a few times when I got down on the floor while doing my man makers that I just laid there thinking there was no way I was going to get back up, no way I was going to be able to keep breathing, but with a little motivation from the instructor/trainer, I did.

Every time I do WOD, it is painful, it’s hard, it’s sweaty and it seems impossible, but then I count down the days to when I get to do it again.  I wish my schedule allowed me more than once a week, but once is better than nothing, right?


Wearing a pair of size 12 Bermuda shorts and a medium tank top from a 22 and a 2x!

On another note, my husband and I left our kids with a sitter yesterday (this is very rare) and went to do some shopping.  It was mostly window shopping but since I’ve gone for a 22 to a 12 (YAY!) nothing fits me.  I don’t think it has ever felt so good to try on clothes.  There is something about going into a fitting room and trying on a large shirt and having switch it for a medium.

For the first time in a really long time, even since I started shedding pounds, I felt good about myself.  I felt good about the clothes I was wearing and I didn’t have to say, “they don’t have that in my size.”  Yesterday, the 1.8 pounds I gained last week didn’t matter at all.  It wasn’t about a number on the scale, but about how if felt to put on size 12s, which is the same size I was wearing in high school.

I’m still not comfortable enough in my own skin to wear regular shorts.  There are still a few too many dimples in my thighs and some sagging skin that just makes me feel like I’d be one of those girls that people see and whisper, “she shouldn’t be wearing those.”  Maybe I’ll get there before the end of the summer!

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Posted by on July 12, 2013 in Uncategorized


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The Downside of Up

Today was weigh in day and after a 5 pound weight loss last week, I was simply hoping to maintain.  My hopes did not become a reality this week.  Not only did a gain, but it was the biggest gain I’ve had since I started in October.  Until today, I had gained only .2 pounds.  This morning, I stepped on the scale and had gained 1.8 pounds.  OUCH!

I didn’t do anything any differently this week than I always do,  I stuck to my points, avoided eating my activity points and only used 2 of my flex points.  What a disappointment.  I actually considered lying to my Weight Watchers online tracker.  First I thought about putting in just a .1 loss, or the same number as last week.  Then I gave some thought to not entering a weight at all thinking maybe if I wait until tomorrow and drink enough water today, I can get back down to 184.4.

After a few minutes of fighting the devil on my shoulder, I bit the bullet and put in the 186.2.  If I don’t hold myself accountable, nobody will, and that is a dangerous slope to be on. 

It was painful to see that line go up on my weight graph.  Immediately after 1 bad week those thoughts of, “Maybe it’s not working anymore” popped into my head.  Today. I’m doing my best to fight them off and stay on track.  I haven’t experienced this before in my weight loss journey (since my only gain has been .2 pounds) but because of that rough number, I just want to eat it away, and I know that won’t help.

The only thing I can think of that may have thrown off my week is I have drank more of my points this week than I ever have.  My water intake was down while the heat and humidity were up and my attempt to make up for it in the last 2 days was obviously not a success, and my fruit consumption was also down. 

Today, I’m just trying to shake it off.  I know dwelling on it won’t make it any better.

Although I’ve been continuing to lose and had a huge week last week, I feel like I’m losing momentum.  I’m thinking it may be time to head back to Weight Watchers meeting (I took some time off and continued my online membership so I could save money for an additional gym membership) and amp up my workout routine a little bit.  I give it all 3 hours a week in zumba but I’ve missed WOD 2 weeks in a row (can you say withdrawls?) and I didn’t get in a run last week like I had planned. 

I want to be consistently working out 4-5 days a week and as long as I make WOD 1 day a week and run another, I’m getting that but any suggestions to amp up my weight loss workout routine is always appreciated.

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Posted by on July 10, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Reassessing How I See Others

I have decided I have spent way too much time lately wearing my judgey pants.  I find my self thinking things like, “Why is she at the gym, she certainly doesn’t need it,” or “wish I could eat that mountain of onion rings and look like that,” or the classic, “eat a cheeseburger.”

I know how very unfair I’m being to people.  I’m guessing I do it because I’m bitter and wish I didn’t have to work as hard as I do to even be on my way to a healthy weight.  But then I’ve spent some time thinking the last few days about how unfair my judgement is.

First off, who is to say that girl in front of me in zumba, wearing the spandex skirt with the rocking legs hasn’t worked just as hard as I am to get there.  Maybe she has that banging body because she eats healthy and gives it all in a workout.  Maybe she spent years overweight or never tipped the scale at over 150, but puts in the time and effort to make it that way. 

Then there are people I know who do eat cheeseburgers, lots of them, and no matter how hard they try to gain weight to be healthy, simply are unable.  Maybe that girl on the treadmill that 90 pounds soaking wet, has been eating 4,000 calories a day for years, but still can’t gain weight, so she’s working out to add pounds in the healthiest way possible.

We as women are pretty much programmed to never be happy with how we look.  I think parts of use are programmed to look around us and want what we can’t have, but that’s not to say that person isn’t battling their own demons. 

I think it’s time to take off my judgey pants and burn them with my size 22’s.  I know I need to work hard for what I want, and stop looking at others wishing I had what they do.  For most of us, you get what you give, and I know I wouldn’t want people looking at me thinking negative thoughts when I’ve put in the work, however, I would love just once for someone to tell me to eat a cheeseburger.

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Posted by on July 8, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Just Not Feeling It

These last couple of days have been rough for me.  Not with diet or exercise.  I’ve stayed on track as far as that goes.  When it comes to body image on the other hand, I’ve struggled. 

There are days when I look in the mirror, proud of what I have accomplished, then other days I only see what those years of unhealthy did to my body.  I see jiggly arms, a wiggly belly, skin that hangs over my knees and a significantly smaller chest that hangs a bit lower. 

It doesn’t help that there have been some hurtful things said to me recently about my body.  I know I shouldn’t let other people’s words determine my thoughts on myself, but they cut deep.

Today I will avoid the mirror at all costs.  I will go to zumba on my lunch break and sweat out the tears I want to cry.  I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself, but only for today.

Tomorrow I will remind myself I am healthier than I ever thought of being 9 months ago.  I am a better example to my children.  I am my own worst critic and as I have been so many times in the past few years, my own worst enemy.  I won’t let anyone put me down.  I will stand up for myself.  Tomorrow I will do my best to look past all my imperfections and see the changes I have made in me, for me.  Tomorrow I’ll feel good about what I have accomplished, but today, I’m just not feeling it.

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Posted by on July 5, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Wait a Minute…What Does that Scale Say?

Earlier this week I did a post about having the modify my Fourth of July goal.  I really wanted to hit my 75 pounds, but since that didn’t seem super realistic, I revised my goal to stick to my Weight Watchers points and up my water intake.

As of Monday morning it was beginning to look like I probably wouldn’t make my goal, but instead of eating my way out of it, I kept at it.  I did some serious water drinking too.  I struggle to get in a bottle of water a day and with my workout routine, my body just stores it.  I had promised myself I would drink more water this past week, and I did, but until Monday, I was still not drinking nearly enough.

When I went to bed last night, I went to sleep knowing I had done the best that I could.  I knew that no matter what the scale said, I had had a healthy week and let up a little on the importance of the number.

I got up this morning an stepped on the scale thinking it would probably be close.  My scale tends to allow me about a pound more than the scale at my Weight Watchers meetings so I had set a goal of 185 by my scale (I’d need 187 by theirs).  I held my breath and looked down and saw a 184.4 staring back at me!  What?!  I weighed myself 3 more times just to make sure.  Image

Somehow I managed (more than likely thanks to the water) to lose 5.1 pounds this week!  I was in total shock.  It doesn’t seem possible that about 9-10 months ago, I was walking around at more than 262 pounds.  I go into a store to try on clothes and hold them up thinking there’s no way they will fit, and they do.  I’m wearing the same size I wore in high school, but more important, I’m healthier than I have been in years.

I didn’t make it to my Weight Watchers meeting to get my washer for my key chain.  Money was tight this week and I had no wheels to get there, but you better believe next week, I’ll be there ready to celebrate!


Posted by on July 3, 2013 in Uncategorized


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