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Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Race I’ve Been Waiting For

There are some things I just never thought I would ever do in my life.  Running for more than 3 miles at once, is one of those things.  I’ve done 5K’s throughout the year, but I have struggled with all of them and had yet to finish a race that I didn’t have to stop to walk.  I found myself to be disappointed.  I had heard about all these people who talked about running a 5K being a life altering experience, a turning point, something they will always be proud of.  I thought it was all a load of crap. 

Running a 5K was never something I even wanted to do, until I couldn’t do it.  Every other 5K I have done this season, I thought running the entire distance was something I would never achieve; in the car on the way to the race, I didn’t think it was going to happen, when I said the words out loud after registration, I thought it was just out of my reach.  I never thought I would be able to run a 5K.  Standing at the start line, I just knew I would have to stop to walk.  A mile in, I knew I hadn’t trained enough and there was no way I’d be able to pull it off.  Up until I crossed the finish line; my legs numb from my accomplishment, I never thought I would run a 5K. 

This was the race I have been waiting for.  I didn’t disappoint myself; I wouldn’t disappoint myself.  I wanted to finish in under 40 minutes and my official time was 38:25.  I did it!  I wrapped my arms around the neck of my husband and a flood of emotions came over me, like I have not experienced in any other part of my life other than when I had my babies.  I did something I never thought I would be able to do.  I pushed through when all I wanted to do was collapse.  It was a feeling I could never describe; relief, adrenaline, exhaustion and pride all wrapped up into a euphoric moment.

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This race was unlike any I have done so far.  It’s called the Fit at 5K put on by a local TV station.  One of the TV personalities does a weekly segment on dieting, exercising, health, fitness.  The 5K started 5 years ago and I’ve seen the stories on the news about it, but they cannot do justice to the power of this event.  Everyone is there for the same reason.  Everyone is there to face an obstacle, to do something they never thought they’d do.  Some have accomplished amazing weight loss and fitness goals along the way, others were just getting started.  You could feel the support of the people around you, every step of the way.

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I thought this was a fitting cough drop wrapper the morning of my race!

Around the start of mile 2, I overheard a woman running in front of me saying, I can’t believe I’m doing this.  I then spent probably the next half mile running with this woman and her friend.  We learned between the 3 of us, we had lost 200 pounds.  When I was struggling to keep moving, one of them said, “I just keep telling myself, ‘Stopping is not an option.'”  Her words kept me going after they fell back in the pack a little bit. 

Another motivator was seeing one of my former co-workers at about the 2.5 mile marker.  I yelled a hello to her, and her jaw dropped.  I think I even picked up my pace for a few minutes after that. 

After a half a mile I wanted to stop, after a mile and pretty much every step after that, but I didn’t.  At one point, while there were no other runners around me, I had a conversation with myself out loud.  I repeatedly told myself this was my goal and I was going to accomplish it.  I crested the top of the hill and I knew that was the 3 mile mark and I sprinted.  I ran as hard and as fast as I could toward that finish line. 

And in that moment, I experienced what so many others have talked about.  I looked my husband in the eye and brokenly told him, I did it without walking one step and I cried.  I cried for what I allowed myself to become, I cried for the years I wasted being unhappy and inactive.  I cried for all that I have accomplished and for my husband there at the finish line.  I let go for the first time since I started my journey.  I didn’t think about how many pounds I had left or what my next workout would be.  I was proud of myself and instead of beating myself up for it taking as long as it did to get to the place where I’m at today, or for letting meself get to the point I had, I left it behind me. 

I still get chocked up thinking about it.  I did this, all on my own.  I set a goal for myself and I overcame the voice screaming inside my head telling me I’m not good enough, because I am. 

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I Think I Can

This coming weekend is what will likely be my last 5K until next spring.  If you’ve seen any of my past posts about running, this is not my favorite activity, but when I started running for the first time this spring, I set a goal of running an entire 5K without stopping to walk.

I was on quite a roll for a while and have managed I think four races so far this year.  One of the last ones I did, I was so close to that goal I thought it would be a cake walk to accomplish my goal.  Now here I am, at the end of September, with one last 5K  I’m signed up for and I have yet to accomplish that goal.

The first 5K’s that I ran I didn’t really do any training.  I went for one run a week and when I started I couldn’t even go a mile without stopping to walk.  At one point, I knew I could go 2.5 miles, no problem without stopping to walk, and then I stopped running.  Apparently even once a week was better than no at all.  This past couple of weeks I have tried really hard to get back in the swing and to get my distance back up there.  At this point, I’m back up to 2.3 miles, but I’m struggling.

I think a lot of my problem is in my own head.  I know it is going to be mind over matter, or mind over body.  I know I am capable, but I’m just getting in my own way.  I can do this.  Whether I hit the road again before my race or not, I am capable.  I just have to keep reminding myself, I can do this.  I am strong and I’m certainly stronger than I was 3 months ago.  I’ve got this…right?

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Super Slippery Slope

After being stuck on the scale for almost 3 weeks, I decided this week I was going to try mixing up my diet to try to trick my body into losing again.  I’ve tried mixing up my exercise routine without the numbers budging.  I know people who have take a diet break week.  They get a little lax on their diet, then get right back to it the following week.  They may gain a pound that week they take off, but the next week their body starts to let go of the pounds again.

Ever since I began doing Weight Watchers I have tried not to eat my flex points or my activity points.  When I started I had enough points to be satisfied.  I didn’t need to use the extras.  As the pounds dropped off, so did the number of points I could have in a day and I just never started eating those extra points, mostly because I was afraid to.  I was afraid that after so long of not using them, that I would gain if I did.

In the last few months, now that I’m down to a lower amount of points, I’ve found myself using some of my activity points occasionally.

This week I had decided I would eat all of my activity points and all my flex points.  They are there for a reason, yet I still feel guilty using them, and I’m terrified.  I know I should be using those points this week to eat more healthy options such as lean proteins and peanut butter and such.  Instead, I had apple crisp and ice cream last night (not a ton, maybe an eighth of a cup of each), I had a chocolate cookie for breakfast and Chinese food for lunch.  And when I say Chinese food, I mean the good stuff, an egg roll, teriyaki chicken and crab rangoons.

For me it is a slippery slope.  In the past I would never have described myself as a food addict, but in the last couple months I have come to see myself as a recovering one.  I LOVE the taste of food.  I would occasionally eat my feelings before, but mostly, I just love how it tastes.  Indulging in these kids of foods scares me.  I see how easy it would be to slip back in to old habits.  I see how one bite just leads to another until I’m so drunk on food I don’t care what it’s doing to my body.

These last few months, I have been in control.  Today, for the first time in nearly a year, I had no control and didn’t care to.  This afternoon, I stood in my kitchen and finished off the order of crab rangoons (I shouldn’t have bothered to box them up and take them home), and now here I sit feeling, hungry, guilty and fat.  I’m sure I haven’t gained 10 pounds today, but seeing my reflection in my computer monitor I would swear my second chin is rearing her ugly head.

I’m not sure if I can handle this whole reset for my body.  I want so badly to get to the magic BMI number that will give me lifetime membership at Weight Watchers, but I want to be healthy for my family more.  I want to be active and fit so I can play with my kids, I want to have the energy to wake up with them in the morning and not spend the afternoon sleeping on the couch.  This reset may jump start the scale, but then again, it may not.  And then what?  Then I’ve spent a week with old bad habits.  I still have about flex points left (before my official dinner), so maybe 10 by tomorrow.  Didn’t take long to polish those off!  But before I eat those last 10 flex points, I’m going to force myself to stop and reflect on what they will mean for my sanity, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll make a decision I will be happy with tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Blog Title Change

So I decided to go ahead and change my blog title.  After a suggestion to change it to “Lost it” which on a mental level, most days I have, I decided to go with “Braver, Stronger.”  I have those words written on my gym bag.  I picked them from one of my favorite quotes.  Christopher Robin says it to Winner the Pooh.  “You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem…”  I think that’s fitting for this blog!

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Posted by on September 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

To Change the Blog Name or Not to Change It

I just discovered this week I might perhaps be bordering on copyright infringement with the name of my blog.  Apparently “Losing It” is the same thing Jillian Michaels uses.  How I missed that in the beginning, I’m not really sure.  So now I’m face with the decision of whether or not I want to change my blog title.  Is it that big of a deal?  Is she going to come after me with a lawsuit?  who knows, but I’m not sure I can to find out. 

Don’t be surprised if the next blog post you see from me has a different title.  That is if I can figure out how to change it….

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Numbers on The Way Down Again

Don’t want to say too much, but after 2 weeks of being stuck at the same weight to the ounce, it looks like as of this morning, that number might be finally moving down again.  I’m convinced I got stuck because I jinxed myself by saying I thought I could get my 100 pounds before my 1 year Weight Watchers Anniversary on October 14th. 

My official weigh in isn’t until Wednesday, so it doesn’t much matter what the scale said today, what matters is what it says then, but I have to say, seeing that number budge, even a little is good for my spirits!

 
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Posted by on September 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Week After Break Week

Last week was break week at the Y where I do most of my working out.  They are still open, but none of the classes are held.  I was planning to take break week to train for my 5K I have coming up in a few weeks, but that plan didn’t work so well.  I ended up taking most of break week as a break week for myself as well.  I did spend about a half an hour total at the gym, went for a run with my sister, but otherwise, it was pretty lazy.

This week it was back to it full force.  Zumba on Monday felt amazing after my Sunday run.  All my muscles were so tight, it stretched everything back out.  Later that night, for the first time in a long time, I was sore after zumba.  Once all those muscles tightened back up, ugh.

The next day it was TRX (Cardio Blast), and for the first time since I started doing TRX, I thought I might not be able to make it the entire class, and it was about 10 minutes shorter than usual.  Wednesday, I was sore, all over!  I didn’t make it to zumba that night because we didn’t have a sitter, but I was at TRX bright and early Thursday (holy sweaty workout!)

This morning I hauled my butt out of bed and managed a 2.3 mile run.  It wasn’t the 2.5 miles I wanted, but it’s better than nothing (another run on Sunday!  I will run the entire 5K on the 29th without stopping to walk!) Then at lunchtime did some toning zumba.

I’m tired, but I feel like I have more energy than I did last week sitting at home.  I missed it!  Never thought I would, but I did.  That being said, next break week will not be a break week for me.  Too quickly my body reverts back to lazy and then that restart the next week is so much harder.  Just have to keep the momentum moving forward!

 
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Posted by on September 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Could You Please Commit Fraud For Me?

I’ve posted on here before about my internal battle about the numbers on the scale vs overall health.  I’ve also posted about my BMI, waist to height ratio and my percentage of body fat and the fact that 2 of the 3 of those are at a healthy level.

This past week I had a follow up doctor’s appointment for my anxiety issues.  I had decided I was going to talk to her about what my goal weight should be.  According to Weight Watchers I still have about 25 pounds left to lose and since my 4.5 pound weight loss a couple weeks ago, I’ve been stuck; haven’t budged an ounce. 

So I managed to talk to her about it and it did not go at all like I had hoped.  I’m not sure what I expected from a doctor… I mentioned to her about how according to my BMI I still had to lose 25 pounds, I tried to explain my fat percentage and my waist to height ratio, I tried to explain that Weight Watchers sets these guidelines but if a doctor agrees you are at a healthy place, that number can be adjusted to better fit a person’s body type, blah, blah…

Without hesitation, she shot me down.  Her response was, “I don’t know what you’re asking me to do here.  The BMI is the number that has been scientifically proven and me saying you don’t have to get to that number would be asking me to commit fraud!”  Whoa!  Slow down!  I’m not asking you to commit fraud, I’m asking you to take a look at an individual as an individual rather than a number on a chart. 

In the next breath, the told me not to worry about missing a work out or 2 a week.  Right now I workout 4-5 times a week.  She told me if I missed one or two of those days and replaced them with walking to the mailbox, it would be OK.  So now I’m left with the thought, would she have told me it was OK to miss a workout when I was 260 pounds, or would she have been telling me it was vital that I get up and get moving?  Would she have told me not to “worry” about my weight 90 pounds ago?  I’m pretty sure the answer to both of those would be no, which says to my non-MD brain, that she is in fact not worried that my weight is a problem for me at this point. 

So am I asking her to commit fraud?  If it is committing fraud to say that someone is more than a number on a scale; if it means saying you can be healthy without fitting into specific guidelines; then I guess I am.  I know some people will agree with her, and some will agree with me… I just know at this point, I don’t look at 170 pounds on the scale and think, “Wow!  I am really obese” (like the BMI chart does), I don’t look at my size 8 pants and think, “Gee, if I don’t get into a size 4 in the next 6 months, I might be at risk for a heart attack or diabetes.”  I don’t see the effort I’m putting in to tone up and build muscle as optional, so I shouldn’t be looked at as a health risk because the scale might go up a pound one week instead of down if I’m really putting in the effort. 

Don’t know if I’ll get the nerve to ask a different doctor in the near future if they are willing to commit fraud, but at this point, I don’t feel like a fraud.  I feel like the only crime being committed, is basing ones health solely on a scale.

 
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Posted by on September 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I Remember the Sunshine

I remember the sunshine.  The sky was a beautiful blue, the breeze was light and the air was cool.  I remember standing out on the deck, looking out over the ocean at such peace and such beauty and wondering how all could seems so perfect and serene when others were experiencing such horror and fear. 

I was 16 years old.  Every year students from my high school and surrounding schools went to a place called Haystack Mountain School of Crafts to do studio based learning.  We were all put in different classes (of our choice) to learn different arts.  We stayed in cabins with students from other schools.  We all came together, for a few days of fun, learning and getting to know people we may never have met otherwise. 

There were no TV’s. no cell phones so when we got word of the terror attacks, all we had was an old barely functional radio.  I remember searching the sky for planes.  We were miles away, but yet I was scared.  I used the pay phone to try to call my boyfriend (at the time) who was going to school in Boston.  I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when all I got was a strange busy signal that I continued to get throughout the day.

I remember a friend’s mother coming to bring something to her daughter and her telling us about the horrible things that unfolded live on TV.  I remember closing my eyes and imagining people leaping from buildings because they had no other choice, and thinking how unimaginable that was when all seemed so perfect on the porch of the cafeteria of Haystack.

I remember seeing one of the instructors sitting on the steps, resting his head in his hands while he cried for his brother who was in one of the towers.  I remember holding hands with someone I didn’t know, while we all bowed our heads on the porch for a prayer circle; something that would have never happened had we actually be on school grounds, but that we all needed.

I remember returning to reality a couple days later; a reality that would never be the same.  I remember the first time I went to ground zero, looking up at the sunshine on a beautiful day in New York City and thinking about what those people saw that day. 

I know a fear I never knew before.  I worry for my children’s safety in a way I probably never would have.  I worry about my husband who is on inactive reserve in the Army.  I worried the day I met him, that he would someday have to leave me to fight a war that we didn’t realize existed before that day. 

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Run Baby Run

I’ve been doing some pretty serious run procrastinating.  I have a 5K at the end of this month and it’s probably going to be my last shot at running the entire thing.  I have a goal for this year to run an entire 5K (without stopping at all to walk).  I have done 4 5k’s this year, but have walked at least a little bit in all of them.

For the last, probably 2 months, I have managed to get my exercise, without once hitting the road to run.  With my 5K only 3 weeks away, I knew I had to get to it or I was never going to.  Yesterday, after posting a status about it on Facebook, my sister asked me if we could run together.  So off we went.

I was amazed first at how ok I was with running a mile without stopping, then surprised to realize, while I would once go about 2.5 miles without stopping to walk, 1.25 miles, was once again my limit.  It was a rude awakening that if I’m going to accomplish my goal, and I will accomplish my goal; that I need to hit the pavement a bit more.  So I’ve planned it out.  I have scheduled in a run 2 days a week leading up to my 5K.  I know that’s not a lot, but with zumba 3 days a week and TRX 2 days a week (2 workouts that I love and am not willing to break from to run) it’s what I have time for.  I’m confident I can get there, as long as I can get myself up off the couch to actually do it!

P.S. I’m super proud of my sis.  She hasn’t been running, and she did great on our 2.5 mile excursion and motivated me to pick up the pace on more than one time on our run!

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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