It has been nearly a year since I started on my weight loss journey. I have managed to keep my eyes on the prize this whole time, sticking as closely to the diet as possible and logging many hours at the gym.
I’ve been asked at my Weight Watchers meetings and by family and friends about what motivated me to lose weight and what keep me motivated. After a conversation with my mother in law the other night, I really got thinking about it and I wanted to share some of my motivators.
My husband has always thought of me as beautiful at any weight. On his desk at his former job, he proudly displayed a picture of me on our wedding day. He came home from work one day, telling me, what he thought was a compliment. He said when one of his co-workers said, “Wow, now I see why you married her. She was hot!” The only words I head from that sentence were “now” and “was”. It broke my heart. I never wanted to be one of those couples where people looked at us on the street and wondered what he was doing with me, although I wondered the same thing myself on several occasions. But knowing that was what other people were thinking, really hurt.
Another motivator for me was my children. I watched my husband get down on the floor and play with them and have so much fun with them. When I tried, I could only spend 5 minutes on the floor because my feet went to sleep.
I was unable to play at the park with my son. If I even got out of the car, I spent all my time sitting at the picnic table because after only 5 minutes my feet and my lower back started to pound.
A child does not understand why mama is too big to play, they just know she can’t. Then one afternoon while reading stories with my boys, my oldest, poked my belly, and in his unknowing innocence told me I was fat.
I choked back tears as I explained to him that fat was not a nice word and that saying things like that can really hurt someone’s feelings. he apologized and gave me a big hug, but that didn’t take away the sting of his hurt any less. I know he didn’t and still doesn’t understand why such an obvious observation could be so hurtful.
While I was pregnant with our second child, I went for a boat ride with my husband’s family. It was a beautiful day filled with lots of laughter and pictures. I asked my mother in law to snap a photo of my son and I. I was so excited to think I’d have a new picture I could frame of use together. Later when she posted the picture on Facebook I was disgusted by what I saw. I know I was several months pregnant, but in the photo where you can only see my face and my arms (and of course the bag of chips I was eating) I was mortified.
Those are just a few of the moments that opened my eyes to the problem that my weight had become. If I close my eyes, I can still feel the shame, the embarrassment and the pain of those moments as if they had happened only yesterday. I carry them with me and it keeps me moving forward.