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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Could You Please Commit Fraud For Me?

I’ve posted on here before about my internal battle about the numbers on the scale vs overall health.  I’ve also posted about my BMI, waist to height ratio and my percentage of body fat and the fact that 2 of the 3 of those are at a healthy level.

This past week I had a follow up doctor’s appointment for my anxiety issues.  I had decided I was going to talk to her about what my goal weight should be.  According to Weight Watchers I still have about 25 pounds left to lose and since my 4.5 pound weight loss a couple weeks ago, I’ve been stuck; haven’t budged an ounce. 

So I managed to talk to her about it and it did not go at all like I had hoped.  I’m not sure what I expected from a doctor… I mentioned to her about how according to my BMI I still had to lose 25 pounds, I tried to explain my fat percentage and my waist to height ratio, I tried to explain that Weight Watchers sets these guidelines but if a doctor agrees you are at a healthy place, that number can be adjusted to better fit a person’s body type, blah, blah…

Without hesitation, she shot me down.  Her response was, “I don’t know what you’re asking me to do here.  The BMI is the number that has been scientifically proven and me saying you don’t have to get to that number would be asking me to commit fraud!”  Whoa!  Slow down!  I’m not asking you to commit fraud, I’m asking you to take a look at an individual as an individual rather than a number on a chart. 

In the next breath, the told me not to worry about missing a work out or 2 a week.  Right now I workout 4-5 times a week.  She told me if I missed one or two of those days and replaced them with walking to the mailbox, it would be OK.  So now I’m left with the thought, would she have told me it was OK to miss a workout when I was 260 pounds, or would she have been telling me it was vital that I get up and get moving?  Would she have told me not to “worry” about my weight 90 pounds ago?  I’m pretty sure the answer to both of those would be no, which says to my non-MD brain, that she is in fact not worried that my weight is a problem for me at this point. 

So am I asking her to commit fraud?  If it is committing fraud to say that someone is more than a number on a scale; if it means saying you can be healthy without fitting into specific guidelines; then I guess I am.  I know some people will agree with her, and some will agree with me… I just know at this point, I don’t look at 170 pounds on the scale and think, “Wow!  I am really obese” (like the BMI chart does), I don’t look at my size 8 pants and think, “Gee, if I don’t get into a size 4 in the next 6 months, I might be at risk for a heart attack or diabetes.”  I don’t see the effort I’m putting in to tone up and build muscle as optional, so I shouldn’t be looked at as a health risk because the scale might go up a pound one week instead of down if I’m really putting in the effort. 

Don’t know if I’ll get the nerve to ask a different doctor in the near future if they are willing to commit fraud, but at this point, I don’t feel like a fraud.  I feel like the only crime being committed, is basing ones health solely on a scale.

 
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Posted by on September 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I Remember the Sunshine

I remember the sunshine.  The sky was a beautiful blue, the breeze was light and the air was cool.  I remember standing out on the deck, looking out over the ocean at such peace and such beauty and wondering how all could seems so perfect and serene when others were experiencing such horror and fear. 

I was 16 years old.  Every year students from my high school and surrounding schools went to a place called Haystack Mountain School of Crafts to do studio based learning.  We were all put in different classes (of our choice) to learn different arts.  We stayed in cabins with students from other schools.  We all came together, for a few days of fun, learning and getting to know people we may never have met otherwise. 

There were no TV’s. no cell phones so when we got word of the terror attacks, all we had was an old barely functional radio.  I remember searching the sky for planes.  We were miles away, but yet I was scared.  I used the pay phone to try to call my boyfriend (at the time) who was going to school in Boston.  I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when all I got was a strange busy signal that I continued to get throughout the day.

I remember a friend’s mother coming to bring something to her daughter and her telling us about the horrible things that unfolded live on TV.  I remember closing my eyes and imagining people leaping from buildings because they had no other choice, and thinking how unimaginable that was when all seemed so perfect on the porch of the cafeteria of Haystack.

I remember seeing one of the instructors sitting on the steps, resting his head in his hands while he cried for his brother who was in one of the towers.  I remember holding hands with someone I didn’t know, while we all bowed our heads on the porch for a prayer circle; something that would have never happened had we actually be on school grounds, but that we all needed.

I remember returning to reality a couple days later; a reality that would never be the same.  I remember the first time I went to ground zero, looking up at the sunshine on a beautiful day in New York City and thinking about what those people saw that day. 

I know a fear I never knew before.  I worry for my children’s safety in a way I probably never would have.  I worry about my husband who is on inactive reserve in the Army.  I worried the day I met him, that he would someday have to leave me to fight a war that we didn’t realize existed before that day. 

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Run Baby Run

I’ve been doing some pretty serious run procrastinating.  I have a 5K at the end of this month and it’s probably going to be my last shot at running the entire thing.  I have a goal for this year to run an entire 5K (without stopping at all to walk).  I have done 4 5k’s this year, but have walked at least a little bit in all of them.

For the last, probably 2 months, I have managed to get my exercise, without once hitting the road to run.  With my 5K only 3 weeks away, I knew I had to get to it or I was never going to.  Yesterday, after posting a status about it on Facebook, my sister asked me if we could run together.  So off we went.

I was amazed first at how ok I was with running a mile without stopping, then surprised to realize, while I would once go about 2.5 miles without stopping to walk, 1.25 miles, was once again my limit.  It was a rude awakening that if I’m going to accomplish my goal, and I will accomplish my goal; that I need to hit the pavement a bit more.  So I’ve planned it out.  I have scheduled in a run 2 days a week leading up to my 5K.  I know that’s not a lot, but with zumba 3 days a week and TRX 2 days a week (2 workouts that I love and am not willing to break from to run) it’s what I have time for.  I’m confident I can get there, as long as I can get myself up off the couch to actually do it!

P.S. I’m super proud of my sis.  She hasn’t been running, and she did great on our 2.5 mile excursion and motivated me to pick up the pace on more than one time on our run!

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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After 2 Babies, Gaining Then Losing More Than 90 Pounds, It Fits

Every girl dreams about her wedding dressing.  The brilliant white fabric, the beads, the train, feeling like a princess… I was no different when I went to pick out my dress.  2 in and I found it.  It fit me like a glove and the only alterations I needed were to make the straps a little shorter. 

I would have worn that dress everywhere, all the time if it were a socially acceptable thing to do.  When I walked down the isle in that gown, I knew I was not only so very lucky to be marrying a man who would love me through everything, but that I looked gorgeous.  It was one of the few days in my life that I would say I looked stunning.  I’m not a super self confident person, but that dress made me feel amazing.

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God I loved that dress, and the Jaguar…well, you know, the man is pretty loveable too!

It was not long after our wedding before that dress no longer fit me.  It was a tight squeeze on my wedding day, and within a week of our wedding, I started gaining weight.  The last few years, fitting in the dress has been nothing more real than a memory, and in more recent years, a laughable one.  I never tried, because that dress was full of so many wonderful memories for me, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have even gone up over my hips and if it had, my arms would have possibly not fit through the holes and the back would have probably needed at least 8 inches of fabric added before the two sides would even touch.

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Sucking in to get the dress to zip on my wedding day

Yesterday, post run (yes I did FINALLY run, and am feeling it today, but that’s another post for another time), I decided to try it on.  I know I’m fairly close to pre-wedding weight, but I thought after babies, the form fitting top may not ever fit again. 

I headed down into the room that used to be mine at my parent’s house where my dress was hanging.  It was just as amazing as I remembered it being.  My mom had taken it to the dry cleaner for me, and the white seemed to sparkle in the closet.  I took it off the hanger, stepped in an pulled it up.  With some assistance from my hubby, it zipped…all the way!  It was such an amazing feeling!  There was not much extra room for anything else to fit and the zipper didn’t slide up as easily as it once did, but it zipped and I could breathe! 

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I headed up to show my parents and my son my “princess” dress.  My 4 year old jumped up and down and asked if he could hug me in my beautiful dress.  He wrapped his arms around my neck and told me how pretty I was, and I actually felt it.  That dress still has the power to make me feel amazing.  My hair was all over the place and sticking to my head from my sweaty run but it didn’t matter, I felt beautiful.

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If I wouldn’t get so many strange looks, you can bet I would have worn that gown to work today, and if I wasn’t sure it would be covered in crayon, food and hand prints, I would be sitting in my living room in a gorgeous white dress.

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My Motivation

It has been nearly a year since I started on my weight loss journey.  I have managed to keep my eyes on the prize this whole time, sticking as closely to the diet as possible and logging many hours at the gym.

I’ve been asked at my Weight Watchers meetings and by family and friends about what motivated me to lose weight and what keep me motivated.  After a conversation with my mother in law the other night, I really got thinking about it and I wanted to share some of my motivators.

My husband has always thought of me as beautiful at any weight.  On his desk at his former job, he proudly displayed a picture of me on our wedding day.  He came home from work one day, telling me, what he thought was a compliment.  He said when one of his co-workers said, “Wow, now I see why you married her.  She was hot!”  The only words I head from that sentence were “now” and “was”.  It broke my heart.  I never wanted to be one of those couples where people looked at us on the street and wondered what he was doing with me, although I wondered the same thing myself on several occasions.  But knowing that was what other people were thinking, really hurt.

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Another motivator for me was my children.  I watched my husband get down on the floor and play with them and have so much fun with them.  When I tried, I could only spend 5 minutes on the floor because my feet went to sleep.

I was unable to play at the park with my son.  If I even got out of the car, I spent all my time sitting at the picnic table because after only 5 minutes my feet and my lower back started to pound.

A child does not understand why mama is too big to play, they just know she can’t.  Then one afternoon while reading stories with my boys, my oldest, poked my belly, and in his unknowing innocence told me I was fat.

I choked back tears as I explained to him that fat was not a nice word and that saying things like that can really hurt someone’s feelings.  he apologized and gave me a big hug, but that didn’t take away the sting of his hurt any less.  I know he didn’t and still doesn’t understand why such an obvious observation could be so hurtful.

While I was pregnant with our second child, I went for a boat ride with my husband’s family.  It was a beautiful day filled with lots of laughter and pictures.  I asked my mother in law to snap a photo of my son and I.  I was so excited to think I’d have a new picture I could frame of use together.  Later when she posted the picture on Facebook I was disgusted by what I saw.  I know I was several months pregnant, but in the photo where you can only see my face and my arms (and of course the bag of chips I was eating) I was mortified.

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Those are just a few of the moments that opened my eyes to the problem that my weight had become.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel the shame, the embarrassment and the pain of those moments as if they had happened only yesterday.  I carry them with me and it keeps me moving forward.

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Why do I Dread Running?

I’ve signed up for one more 5K this fall.  Since I’ve been focusing my workouts on Zumba and TRX I haven’t gone out for a run of more than a few hundred feet (we do that at TRX) in about 2 months.  With my 5K only a couple weeks away, I had decided to get back to it.

This week is break week at the Y that I go to.  They take the week off from all classes, so I thought, what a great chance to get back to running.  Now here I am, it’s Friday, and I haven’t been once.  Last night I got out of work in time, had about an hour before I had to pick up my husband or my kids, and I had an argument with myself in my head for about 20 minutes before the lazy side of my brain won out, and I sat on my couch doing nothing instead.

I don’t now why I dread running so much.  The thought of putting on my workout clothes and going to use the elliptical, or go to zumba or TRX; no problem.  Getting on my running shoes to actually go run, is a whole other story.

Maybe it’s because I know as soon as I start, I’m going to want to stop.  Maybe it’s because I know my lungs are going to hurt and the sweat is going to pour off my like crazy.

But why can’t I get past that?  I have before, and every time after I run I feel so accomplished. I’ve been gradually getting faster and it earns me a ton of activity points.  It’s just getting out of my own head about how terrible I am at it and how miserable I’m going to be while doing it.

With only a couple more days left in break week, I’m making a promise to myself that tomorrow morning, before my husband leaves for work, I will get up and I will run at least 2 miles…unless I mange to come up with some other excuse not to between then and now…

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Survived a Rough Mommy Weekend

It was a tough weekend for me.  It’s like I blinked and my baby boys were no longer babies.  Where has the time gone and how do I get it back?

Over the weekend, my littlest man turned 1.  I can’t imagine how he went from that sweet little 8 pound baby to a little person full of personality and trouble.  On Sunday we celebrated with his first birthday party with lots of family.  We all enjoyed a great Monday off together (I bought some size 8 jeans!  Thank you Old Navy!)  and then Tuesday I took my oldest to his first day of Pre-K.  When I tucked him in to bed Monday night I just wanted to stay there with him.  I wanted to squeeze my baby and savor that last few hours before I left him to make friends in a room full of strangers. 

I managed to keep it together the night before school picking out his outfit, and I smiled as he hugged me before we left and then I practically ran out of the building so I could sit in the car and have a good cry.  Picking him up that afternoon, seeing his face light up when he saw me and that sweet running hug I got when I picked him up was priceless.  If I ever thought I couldn’t love him even more, I did in that moment.  Hearing his excitement on the ride home was spectacular.  I wish I didn’t have to let him go, didn’t have to let him grow up, and that I could keep him my little boy forever.  But the next best thing to that is getting to watch him grow and discover.

Brother being at school has also opened up some alone time for the youngest that he has never had before. 

I know this year has many great things in store for our family, and maybe goal weight for me!

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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