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Tag Archives: Body image

Words Will Always Hurt Me

Oh, the innocence of a child. Today I was taken aback when my 5 year old simply stated an observation that has left me teary. I was laying on my bed and my shirt had ridden up exposing about 2 inches of my belly. He asked me to cover it up, and I have no idea what I was expecting when I asked why but the answer I got stung. He replied with, “it’s so big I just don’t like it.”

There are areas I am more self conscious of than others and my legs and stomach top that list. I have carried 2 babies and 112 extra pounds and while I continue to work at it, I will likely never have a six pack, or washboard abs. I will always have stretch marks and unless I strike it rich, I will always have some skin that will likely never tighten.  I have accepted this yet it still hurt. He appologized when I told him he had hurt my feelings but he was simply stating something he saw as a fact.

This on the heels of a rough dressing room fitting yesterday when I tried on a pair of workout shorts and all I saw was rolls of skin. I usually try to stay positive and try to see how far I have come but sometimes all I see is if I hadn’t gotten so far gone to begin with I wouldn’t have had to make the journey I have and maybe those words wouldn’t hurtso very badly.

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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A Lot Can Change in a Year

it has been 1 year since I walked in to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  I remember that morning like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, clammy; I was ashamed.

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I walked into the room a woman who hadn’t looked her husband in the eyes in months.  I walked in unable to stand for long periods of time, unable to go grocery shopping without discomfort.  At 27, I weighed 262.1 pounds and I was ready to make a change.  I had no idea when I walked in to that room how much this journey would change my life.

It started slow for me.  A lot of people talk about how the first week of a new diet they drop pounds like crazy, but I didn’t.  At least not as fast as I wanted to.  I was afraid I would fail.  I had failed before, and I was certain I would again, but I refused to let it keep me from trying.  I beat myself up everyday for allowing myself to get to the point that I did but somewhere along the way, something in me changed.

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As the pounds came off, I gradually hid myself a little less.

In January, I started going to the gym and that’s when the real changes were set into motion for me.  I was proud of the weight I had lost, but I still felt weak.  I didn’t think I was capable of achieving my goals, even though I was working at it and getting there.  I was still ashamed and still looked in the mirror and saw 262 pounds.

Working out has changed not only my body or the numbers on the scale, it has changed me.  I no longer feel weak but I feel strong and capable.

I often find myself thinking after a sweaty, grueling workout, ‘Who is this person?’  Or after watching the sun rise on my ride home from the gym; after using the excuse on more than 100 occasions that I couldn’t get up to workout because I needed my rest, I wonder how I would start my days without accomplishing something before the sun comes up.  I look my husband in the eye, I play with my kids, I’m not to goal weight yet, but I’m happy.  I’m ok with myself.  I’m ok with my body and I’m thrilled with how fair I have come.

I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and one thing I have learned over this past year, is I will never sell myself short again.  In April, I was convinced I could never run more than a mile without stopping to walk, and a couple weeks ago, I ran 3; when I was a cheerleader in high school, I couldn’t do 1 push up, and now I’m able to do 5 at a time (not much to some, but a lot to me).

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I have 12 pounds left to my goal weight, but that is now the after thought rather than the per-cursor.  It’s no longer about the pounds, or the numbers on the scale, it is how I feel, which is the complete opposite from what it has ever been.

I have fought myself every step along the way.  I’ve wanted to give up.  I have struggled to finish workouts, but I have finished them.  I have lost 100 pounds and more than that, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I no longer have a BMI of 43 (I’m down to a 27 BMI).  I tried on a dress yesterday that was a size 4!  A size 4!  From a size 22!  At first I was self conscious about the skin on my legs left behind from loosing 100 pounds, but then I felt hot!

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After years of trying my hardest to blend in, I’m ready to be seen.  Yesterday I bought my first ever “little black dress” and a pair of blue pumps.  I cant wait to wear them for our wedding anniversary this coming weekend.  I haven’t worn heels since before I got pregnant with my first son (about 5 years ago).  I never could have imagined when I walked into that Weight Watchers meeting year ago how my life would change, how I would change and how amazing it would feel.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Reassessing How I See Others

I have decided I have spent way too much time lately wearing my judgey pants.  I find my self thinking things like, “Why is she at the gym, she certainly doesn’t need it,” or “wish I could eat that mountain of onion rings and look like that,” or the classic, “eat a cheeseburger.”

I know how very unfair I’m being to people.  I’m guessing I do it because I’m bitter and wish I didn’t have to work as hard as I do to even be on my way to a healthy weight.  But then I’ve spent some time thinking the last few days about how unfair my judgement is.

First off, who is to say that girl in front of me in zumba, wearing the spandex skirt with the rocking legs hasn’t worked just as hard as I am to get there.  Maybe she has that banging body because she eats healthy and gives it all in a workout.  Maybe she spent years overweight or never tipped the scale at over 150, but puts in the time and effort to make it that way. 

Then there are people I know who do eat cheeseburgers, lots of them, and no matter how hard they try to gain weight to be healthy, simply are unable.  Maybe that girl on the treadmill that 90 pounds soaking wet, has been eating 4,000 calories a day for years, but still can’t gain weight, so she’s working out to add pounds in the healthiest way possible.

We as women are pretty much programmed to never be happy with how we look.  I think parts of use are programmed to look around us and want what we can’t have, but that’s not to say that person isn’t battling their own demons. 

I think it’s time to take off my judgey pants and burn them with my size 22’s.  I know I need to work hard for what I want, and stop looking at others wishing I had what they do.  For most of us, you get what you give, and I know I wouldn’t want people looking at me thinking negative thoughts when I’ve put in the work, however, I would love just once for someone to tell me to eat a cheeseburger.

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Just Not Feeling It

These last couple of days have been rough for me.  Not with diet or exercise.  I’ve stayed on track as far as that goes.  When it comes to body image on the other hand, I’ve struggled. 

There are days when I look in the mirror, proud of what I have accomplished, then other days I only see what those years of unhealthy did to my body.  I see jiggly arms, a wiggly belly, skin that hangs over my knees and a significantly smaller chest that hangs a bit lower. 

It doesn’t help that there have been some hurtful things said to me recently about my body.  I know I shouldn’t let other people’s words determine my thoughts on myself, but they cut deep.

Today I will avoid the mirror at all costs.  I will go to zumba on my lunch break and sweat out the tears I want to cry.  I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself, but only for today.

Tomorrow I will remind myself I am healthier than I ever thought of being 9 months ago.  I am a better example to my children.  I am my own worst critic and as I have been so many times in the past few years, my own worst enemy.  I won’t let anyone put me down.  I will stand up for myself.  Tomorrow I will do my best to look past all my imperfections and see the changes I have made in me, for me.  Tomorrow I’ll feel good about what I have accomplished, but today, I’m just not feeling it.

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Having a “Fat Day”

There are days when I look in the mirror and see all of my hard work paying off.  Then there are the days when I see all the work that is still to be done and and for that moment, standing in the mirror, the distance I have come doesn’t matter.

Yesterday was one of those days for me.  I was getting ready to get in the shower and our wonderful, huge mirror that sits directly behind the toilet (not my choice of placement, we rent), caught my attention.

I have had 2 children and I’m not one of those lucky women whose body snaps right back to perfection after having children.  My youngest is 8 months old, and my stomach still looks like a deflated balloon.  I remember saying to my husband after the birth of our first, the first time I went to get in the shower at the hospital, I felt like Adam Sandler in the movie Click when he wakes up from a coma, has lost a ton of weight, and screams, “I have a fat flap!  Fat flap, fat flap!”  And that was how I felt after just one child.

I used to pride myself on my flat tummy, I had to squeeze my thighs into pants, but it seems to be the opposite now.  I have to suck in and squeeze, only to find myself with a mommy muffin top once I finally get my pants buttoned.  It seems no matter what I do, that “fat flap” is still there.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my body for carrying 2 baby boys, and I’m amazed by what a woman’s body is able to do, but that kangaroo pouch is something I am the most self conscious of.

Then I noticed my thighs.  I know I am building muscles under there, I can feel it, but in my reflection all I see is rolls, wrinkles and dimples.  And don’t even get me started on my arms.

I know my hard work will pay off eventually.  I know even if I can’t see it at this moment, it already is.  I know it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but as hard as I’m working, I want it to work faster!  1 pound at a time, I know is spectacular, but when there is so much to lose it seems so tiny.  I wish I could just wake up tomorrow morning 150 pounds and a size 6, but I know that’s not going to happen.  I know it will take much more than a day to lose the 60 pounds I need to lose to get to that point.

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was put on my size 24 capri pants and feel bad about myself.  I wanted to lay down on my bed and pull the covers over my head so no one could see what I do.  But I have 2 children.  There is no time for that when you’re home alone with 2 kids.  I knew hiding my head in the sand is what I have been doing for too long now, and it’s time to face the fact that my body is not what it was 10 years ago.  It’s time to stare into the mirror and see the 60 pounds I still have left to lose.

After that was all said and done, I decided instead of putting on my fat clothes, I would instead put on the smallest pair of pants that I can fit in.  I’m wearing mostly 14s (from 22-24), but I have a pair of rogue Old Navy Bermuda Shorts that are a size 10!  I straightened my hair (I think it makes me look thinner), and put on some makeup, and went with my hubby and my boys to a barbeque with friends at my sister’s.

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It only took a few minutes of looking in the mirror dressed and made up, to feel better, and to know that in 6 months when I’m even closer to my goal, I’ll feel even better.  I know, there will still be days when I look in the mirror and see something that disgusts me, but I won’t let that dictate who I am or who I can be.

 
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Posted by on May 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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