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A Lot Can Change in a Year

it has been 1 year since I walked in to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  I remember that morning like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, clammy; I was ashamed.

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I walked into the room a woman who hadn’t looked her husband in the eyes in months.  I walked in unable to stand for long periods of time, unable to go grocery shopping without discomfort.  At 27, I weighed 262.1 pounds and I was ready to make a change.  I had no idea when I walked in to that room how much this journey would change my life.

It started slow for me.  A lot of people talk about how the first week of a new diet they drop pounds like crazy, but I didn’t.  At least not as fast as I wanted to.  I was afraid I would fail.  I had failed before, and I was certain I would again, but I refused to let it keep me from trying.  I beat myself up everyday for allowing myself to get to the point that I did but somewhere along the way, something in me changed.

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As the pounds came off, I gradually hid myself a little less.

In January, I started going to the gym and that’s when the real changes were set into motion for me.  I was proud of the weight I had lost, but I still felt weak.  I didn’t think I was capable of achieving my goals, even though I was working at it and getting there.  I was still ashamed and still looked in the mirror and saw 262 pounds.

Working out has changed not only my body or the numbers on the scale, it has changed me.  I no longer feel weak but I feel strong and capable.

I often find myself thinking after a sweaty, grueling workout, ‘Who is this person?’  Or after watching the sun rise on my ride home from the gym; after using the excuse on more than 100 occasions that I couldn’t get up to workout because I needed my rest, I wonder how I would start my days without accomplishing something before the sun comes up.  I look my husband in the eye, I play with my kids, I’m not to goal weight yet, but I’m happy.  I’m ok with myself.  I’m ok with my body and I’m thrilled with how fair I have come.

I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and one thing I have learned over this past year, is I will never sell myself short again.  In April, I was convinced I could never run more than a mile without stopping to walk, and a couple weeks ago, I ran 3; when I was a cheerleader in high school, I couldn’t do 1 push up, and now I’m able to do 5 at a time (not much to some, but a lot to me).

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I have 12 pounds left to my goal weight, but that is now the after thought rather than the per-cursor.  It’s no longer about the pounds, or the numbers on the scale, it is how I feel, which is the complete opposite from what it has ever been.

I have fought myself every step along the way.  I’ve wanted to give up.  I have struggled to finish workouts, but I have finished them.  I have lost 100 pounds and more than that, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I no longer have a BMI of 43 (I’m down to a 27 BMI).  I tried on a dress yesterday that was a size 4!  A size 4!  From a size 22!  At first I was self conscious about the skin on my legs left behind from loosing 100 pounds, but then I felt hot!

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After years of trying my hardest to blend in, I’m ready to be seen.  Yesterday I bought my first ever “little black dress” and a pair of blue pumps.  I cant wait to wear them for our wedding anniversary this coming weekend.  I haven’t worn heels since before I got pregnant with my first son (about 5 years ago).  I never could have imagined when I walked into that Weight Watchers meeting year ago how my life would change, how I would change and how amazing it would feel.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Having a “Fat Day”

There are days when I look in the mirror and see all of my hard work paying off.  Then there are the days when I see all the work that is still to be done and and for that moment, standing in the mirror, the distance I have come doesn’t matter.

Yesterday was one of those days for me.  I was getting ready to get in the shower and our wonderful, huge mirror that sits directly behind the toilet (not my choice of placement, we rent), caught my attention.

I have had 2 children and I’m not one of those lucky women whose body snaps right back to perfection after having children.  My youngest is 8 months old, and my stomach still looks like a deflated balloon.  I remember saying to my husband after the birth of our first, the first time I went to get in the shower at the hospital, I felt like Adam Sandler in the movie Click when he wakes up from a coma, has lost a ton of weight, and screams, “I have a fat flap!  Fat flap, fat flap!”  And that was how I felt after just one child.

I used to pride myself on my flat tummy, I had to squeeze my thighs into pants, but it seems to be the opposite now.  I have to suck in and squeeze, only to find myself with a mommy muffin top once I finally get my pants buttoned.  It seems no matter what I do, that “fat flap” is still there.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my body for carrying 2 baby boys, and I’m amazed by what a woman’s body is able to do, but that kangaroo pouch is something I am the most self conscious of.

Then I noticed my thighs.  I know I am building muscles under there, I can feel it, but in my reflection all I see is rolls, wrinkles and dimples.  And don’t even get me started on my arms.

I know my hard work will pay off eventually.  I know even if I can’t see it at this moment, it already is.  I know it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but as hard as I’m working, I want it to work faster!  1 pound at a time, I know is spectacular, but when there is so much to lose it seems so tiny.  I wish I could just wake up tomorrow morning 150 pounds and a size 6, but I know that’s not going to happen.  I know it will take much more than a day to lose the 60 pounds I need to lose to get to that point.

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was put on my size 24 capri pants and feel bad about myself.  I wanted to lay down on my bed and pull the covers over my head so no one could see what I do.  But I have 2 children.  There is no time for that when you’re home alone with 2 kids.  I knew hiding my head in the sand is what I have been doing for too long now, and it’s time to face the fact that my body is not what it was 10 years ago.  It’s time to stare into the mirror and see the 60 pounds I still have left to lose.

After that was all said and done, I decided instead of putting on my fat clothes, I would instead put on the smallest pair of pants that I can fit in.  I’m wearing mostly 14s (from 22-24), but I have a pair of rogue Old Navy Bermuda Shorts that are a size 10!  I straightened my hair (I think it makes me look thinner), and put on some makeup, and went with my hubby and my boys to a barbeque with friends at my sister’s.

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It only took a few minutes of looking in the mirror dressed and made up, to feel better, and to know that in 6 months when I’m even closer to my goal, I’ll feel even better.  I know, there will still be days when I look in the mirror and see something that disgusts me, but I won’t let that dictate who I am or who I can be.

 
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Posted by on May 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Why am I so Disappointed?

This weekend, I did my first ever 5k.  I was really excited about it and ready to hit the road running…well jog walking.

I started out really strong and ready to go, but seemed to run out of gas pretty quickly.  You hear people talking about how rewarding it is to do something like a 5k and I’ve had so many people tell me how proud I should be of myself and for some reason, I’m not, in fact, I’m kind of disappointed.  I didn’t feel that overwhelming pride in myself or in my accomplishment.  Really, I just felt tired, sweaty and winded.  Honestly, I wanted to cry.  Not because I was overwhelmed with accomplishment, but because it wasn’t what I had hoped it would be.

I did shave time off from when I ran the distance the week before, so that’s good, right?

I had a long drive on Saturday and some time to think about it yesterday and to relive my experience in my head.

First, I don’t claim to be a fast runner, I never have and who knows, maybe I never will be.  There were people passing me when I was jogging, who were walking!  That got me in my own head thinking, why am I even bothering to “run” when people are walking faster?

My mile average time was more than 15 minutes.  Really!  I have walked on the treadmill and done a mile in less time than that.  I couldn’t understand why; I just felt like I couldn’t get out of my own way.  I felt like I was fighting to keep moving at all, when I have done the distance before.

After some reflection, I think I gave up on myself pretty early on in the race.  When I saw people walking faster than I was jogging, and saw the only people behind me were walkers (making me the slowest “runner”), I gave up.  Those thoughts of why don’t I just walk if people are walking faster than me took over.  I spent more time walking than I should have, more time than I could have.  I think that’s why when I crossed the finish line I was disappointed.  I could have done better!  Maybe my time wouldn’t have been much shorter, but I knew I didn’t give it all I had.  I let my surroundings get the best of me.  I spent too much time thinking about the time and not enough remembering why I was doing it in the first place.

I have come so far from where I was even just a month ago when I started running once a week.  I have come even further than I was when I started working out and even further still than when I started losing the weight in October.  I forgot all about that, and was back in high school.  I was that girl in gym class, who was the last one to finish the mile run for our fitness testing, I was the girl who couldn’t do a single pull up.

That is not who I want to be anymore.  I have given birth to 2 children, I have endured sleepless nights with sick babies and then gotten up to go to work the next morning, I have felt the loss of a life growing inside of me; a baby I would never hold in my arms, I have lost 2 of my very best friends (one to cancer and one to a car accident), I have stood up in front of hundreds and performed the National Anthem, I have completed a 5k!  I have had my share of pain and disappointed, but I have brought memories and knowledge from those experiences that have made me who I am today.

I am strong!  I am capable!  I will do better next week!  Next Sunday when I line up for my next race, I plan to think about ME!  Not the people around me, not the timer, not the hills, or how far apart the telephone polls are.  I’m going to think about all those places I have been and where I am now.  I’m going to think about 45 pounds, my babies, my friends and I’m going to run.

 
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Posted by on April 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Trying Not to Think About it

Tomorrow is my first ever 5k!  I never imagined it would be something I would do, but it is a goal I made for myself when I started trying to lose weight.  Eventually I want to be able to run the entire thing, my plan for tomorrow is to finish without stopping.  I’m going to stick to what I’ve been doing on my Sunday runs, and go one telephone at a time.  I run 5 walk 2.  And I use the term run, very loosely (sometimes is a walk in running position).

Last week, when I knew we were going to run 3.1 miles, I drove myself crazy thinking about it, and trying to tell myself that I couldn’t do it.  At this point, I know I can, and so I’m trying not to think about it.

I want to keep myself busy.  This morning I did an early zumba (since my hubby has to work late and we have no one to watch the boys, I had to go, or I would have driven myself crazy), this afternoon I plan to play, play play.

I’m sure when I wake up in the morning I’ll be super nervous.  I don’t know why, I’m not running to win.  I know I can do it, but there is still that doubt in the back of my mind.  I am strong, I am capable and I know when I get to the finish line, which I will, no matter how long it takes me, by boys (all 3 of them; hubby and kids) will be there waiting for me. I can do this!

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Sliding at the park

This afternoon I took my oldest son to the park.  I have mentioned before that one of my biggest reasons for starting my weight loss journey was to be able to play with my kids and not just sit on the bench and watch.

Today, I took him all by myself, no excuse to sit back and watch.  When we got there he was acting a little timid.  He didn’t seem to want to climb on any of the equipment or anything.  We tried the climbing wall, he started up to go down the slide and changed his mind, he got on one of the rocking horse things and determined it was too cold, he didn’t want to swing and on and on.  I was beginning to think it was a wasted trip.  We went over to the smaller play area and as he started down the steps instead of taking the slide, I asked him if he wanted me to go with him.  He hesitated for a minute, but then decided that would be a good idea.

Last fall, I wouldn’t have even suggested that as an option.  My hind-end was too wide to even sit in the slide, let alone actually slide down it.  I started up the steps and sat on the slide, thinking, “I really hope I can fit, since there are a bunch of people around.”

I sat down at the top of the slide and had no problem fitting.  We slid down together 4 more times after that.  Then he decided he was ok to do it on his own.  I was so thrilled that I was able to do it with him.

After the little slide I climbed up to the big one with him.  They have one of those bridges that moves that you have to go across to get to it, and he hates those.  We would climb up to the bridge, I’d carry him across, he’d slide down and we’d meet at the bottom.

On the way home, I fought back tears.  It meant so much to me to be able to play with my little man.  We left not because I was tired, or my feet hurt, but because it was starting to get cold.  I was able to climb on the playground with him, and slide on the slide.  It was something we had never been able to do together.

It makes every second of sweat, every bite of broccoli, every passed over candy bar more than worth it.  The number on the scale doesn’t matter when I see the smile on this beautiful face.  I’m on the right track, and confident by this summer, he’ll be working to keep up with me.

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Yes I have lost weight

I find myself finding any excuse I can to brag about how much weight I’ve lost.  I’m like a cheetah waiting to pounce!  I hear the word weight, or diet, or snow (anything really) and I can’t stop myself from blurting out, “I’ve lost 40 pounds!”

Yesterday in church, an elderly woman in the congregation asked me how I was losing so much weight to which I responded, “I’ve lost 40 pounds!”  I think I must have found at least 5 good reasons to say it yesterday.

Today, I went to the store to grab some things and I picked up some light English muffins, (at Shaws, one of the grocery stores around here, their light English muffins are 2 points a piece whereas most are 3), and the checker told me Thomas brand was buy one get one free.  Of course I told her Iw as doing it for weight watchers point reasons and she asked me if I thought it worked, and I said to the total stranger standing in front of me, “I’ve lost 40 pounds since October!”  Then I watched as the woman behind me, the checker and the bagger all smiled in approval and amazement.  On the way out, the checker even wished me luck with my further weight loss.

A few months back, weight was such an embarrassment for me.  Now I’m proud of it!  I want people to know, I’m trying and I’m succeeding.  I also want to keep reminding myself of where I was.

So to all the people out there who I encounter, bear with me when I blurt out, whether it fits in conversation or not, “I’ve lost 40 pounds!”  This will continue until the number goes up past 45!

By the way, I managed to write it 4 times in this one blog!

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Changed

It has been about 6 months since I decided I wasn’t happy with the me aspect of my life.  I didn’t like watching my boys play instead of playing with them, I didn’t like the size 22 pants that filled my dresser drawer, I hated struggling to reach my feet to cut my toe nails.  I avoided mirrors, scales, dressing rooms and making eye contact with my husband.

At this point, I’m down 42.5 pounds (thanks to a 2.5 pound weight loss this week), I’m down to a size 14/16, I’m up off the couch going to zumba 3 times a week, running once a week and spending another day in the weight room.  I get down on the floor and play with my kids, I even volunteered to take my oldest to the park the other day (it was too cold and he only went down the slide once, but I was happy to feel like I could get out and play).  I am changed.

I still have a long way to go… I still struggle to look people in the eye, I still avoid mirrors and I still wonder what my husband sees in me.  But, I’m getting there.  I’m closer than I was yesterday and will be even closer tomorrow.

Today I got a new Oragami Owl charm for my necklace.  It’s inspired by the Rascal Flatts song, Changed.  There is a line in the song that says, “I’ve changed for the better, more smiles, less bitter.  I even started to forgive myself.”

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I don’t know how I let it get to the point it did, and I guess I didn’t see how bad it was.  I looked at myself and thought, “how is that the number on the scale?  There is no way I look like I weigh that much.  I wasn’t even fooling myself.  But that is not me anymore.  I have more life in me than I have had in years.  I am changed.

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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