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My Name is Beth and I’m a Fast-Food-Aholic

So here is one of my many vices…fast food.  I would go as far as saying I am addicted.  I have heard people say that the longer they go without it, the worse it tastes to them and I so wish that was the case for me.  Before I started my weight loss journey my typical trip for fast food included a double cheeseburger, 4 piece chicken nugget and fries.  There were days that after eating that, I would go to another fast food restaurant (so I wouldn’t be embarrassed by going around the window twice) and order another double cheeseburger.  Oh, and don’t forget the diet Coke, because of course diet anything makes a difference when that is what you’re eating. 

While working to get to goal weight, I wouldn’t allow myself to do that.  Any fast food trip I made was salad with light or fat free dressing and the occasional order of fries.  To ease some of the craving I would allow myself one bite of whatever my husband was having (he now says it doesn’t taste the same unless I have taken a bite). 

So now I have been at goal for about 10 months.  I have slowly allowed myself to eat a little more of my favorite fast foods, but here’s the problem.  The more of it I eat, the more of it I want to eat.  The other day after scarfing a double cheese burger I was tempted to go around the window and get another one.  It terrified me.  I think it’s time to quit cold turkey.  No more just a little bite  here, just one burger there.  I know there are things about my former diet that will come back to haunt me now that my focus isn’t entirely on losing weight but on maintaining.  I’ve found that to be even harder the more I run and the further my distance it.  I convince myself I earned it, and I burned way more than that running.  While the numbers on the scale haven’t moved upward, I know those ‘rewards’ are not helping my runs, but in fact hurting them. 

So there it is, my confession for the day.  I will not hide it like I used to, I will own it and change it and that is what will make all the difference for me.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Glimpses of Who I Used to Be

If you are what you eat, I got glimpses of the person I used to be this past week.  I have had so much success in my weight loss journey that these past few weeks of stuck are really getting to me.  In my quest to find the right balance of calories I have in fact found all the wrong foods.

On Friday, I found myself laying on the couch, munching on my kids’ Halloween candy.  As it always works, 1 piece lead to 2, to 3 and before I knew it, I had consumed my calories and not in a healthy way. 

That same day, I had slept through spin.  I just couldn’t lift my head off the pillow, so after my alarm went off at 5, I turned it off and stayed in bed until about 7. 

Saturday didn’t get any better for me. Those snack sized peanut butter cups sit on the table and call my name so loudly, it is almost impossible to silence them, and while I saw glimpses of my former self laying on the couch munching on mini Musketeers; I have to remind myself that the old me wouldn’t have stopped.  I would have had 4 times as much before.  I would have poured myself a tall glass of milk (not fat free milk for sure), sat down with a full sized bag of M&Ms, 3-4 peanut butter cups, a handful of Musketeers and a few Twix.  Later, every time I walked through the kitchen, I would have grabbed another piece. 
This would have all followed a Halloween night full of munching and indulging.  I would have been that mom who ate all of her kids candy.

So yesterday, I did something the my former self never would have done; I hauled my butt to the gym and while it was only a half an hour, I got my sweat on. 

Thank God everyday is a new day.  Yesterday after my quick trip to the gym, I had a great day.  Only candy was a Tootsie Pop, 1 point and worth it!

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Lot Can Change in a Year

it has been 1 year since I walked in to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  I remember that morning like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, clammy; I was ashamed.

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I walked into the room a woman who hadn’t looked her husband in the eyes in months.  I walked in unable to stand for long periods of time, unable to go grocery shopping without discomfort.  At 27, I weighed 262.1 pounds and I was ready to make a change.  I had no idea when I walked in to that room how much this journey would change my life.

It started slow for me.  A lot of people talk about how the first week of a new diet they drop pounds like crazy, but I didn’t.  At least not as fast as I wanted to.  I was afraid I would fail.  I had failed before, and I was certain I would again, but I refused to let it keep me from trying.  I beat myself up everyday for allowing myself to get to the point that I did but somewhere along the way, something in me changed.

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As the pounds came off, I gradually hid myself a little less.

In January, I started going to the gym and that’s when the real changes were set into motion for me.  I was proud of the weight I had lost, but I still felt weak.  I didn’t think I was capable of achieving my goals, even though I was working at it and getting there.  I was still ashamed and still looked in the mirror and saw 262 pounds.

Working out has changed not only my body or the numbers on the scale, it has changed me.  I no longer feel weak but I feel strong and capable.

I often find myself thinking after a sweaty, grueling workout, ‘Who is this person?’  Or after watching the sun rise on my ride home from the gym; after using the excuse on more than 100 occasions that I couldn’t get up to workout because I needed my rest, I wonder how I would start my days without accomplishing something before the sun comes up.  I look my husband in the eye, I play with my kids, I’m not to goal weight yet, but I’m happy.  I’m ok with myself.  I’m ok with my body and I’m thrilled with how fair I have come.

I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and one thing I have learned over this past year, is I will never sell myself short again.  In April, I was convinced I could never run more than a mile without stopping to walk, and a couple weeks ago, I ran 3; when I was a cheerleader in high school, I couldn’t do 1 push up, and now I’m able to do 5 at a time (not much to some, but a lot to me).

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I have 12 pounds left to my goal weight, but that is now the after thought rather than the per-cursor.  It’s no longer about the pounds, or the numbers on the scale, it is how I feel, which is the complete opposite from what it has ever been.

I have fought myself every step along the way.  I’ve wanted to give up.  I have struggled to finish workouts, but I have finished them.  I have lost 100 pounds and more than that, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I no longer have a BMI of 43 (I’m down to a 27 BMI).  I tried on a dress yesterday that was a size 4!  A size 4!  From a size 22!  At first I was self conscious about the skin on my legs left behind from loosing 100 pounds, but then I felt hot!

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After years of trying my hardest to blend in, I’m ready to be seen.  Yesterday I bought my first ever “little black dress” and a pair of blue pumps.  I cant wait to wear them for our wedding anniversary this coming weekend.  I haven’t worn heels since before I got pregnant with my first son (about 5 years ago).  I never could have imagined when I walked into that Weight Watchers meeting year ago how my life would change, how I would change and how amazing it would feel.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Super Slippery Slope

After being stuck on the scale for almost 3 weeks, I decided this week I was going to try mixing up my diet to try to trick my body into losing again.  I’ve tried mixing up my exercise routine without the numbers budging.  I know people who have take a diet break week.  They get a little lax on their diet, then get right back to it the following week.  They may gain a pound that week they take off, but the next week their body starts to let go of the pounds again.

Ever since I began doing Weight Watchers I have tried not to eat my flex points or my activity points.  When I started I had enough points to be satisfied.  I didn’t need to use the extras.  As the pounds dropped off, so did the number of points I could have in a day and I just never started eating those extra points, mostly because I was afraid to.  I was afraid that after so long of not using them, that I would gain if I did.

In the last few months, now that I’m down to a lower amount of points, I’ve found myself using some of my activity points occasionally.

This week I had decided I would eat all of my activity points and all my flex points.  They are there for a reason, yet I still feel guilty using them, and I’m terrified.  I know I should be using those points this week to eat more healthy options such as lean proteins and peanut butter and such.  Instead, I had apple crisp and ice cream last night (not a ton, maybe an eighth of a cup of each), I had a chocolate cookie for breakfast and Chinese food for lunch.  And when I say Chinese food, I mean the good stuff, an egg roll, teriyaki chicken and crab rangoons.

For me it is a slippery slope.  In the past I would never have described myself as a food addict, but in the last couple months I have come to see myself as a recovering one.  I LOVE the taste of food.  I would occasionally eat my feelings before, but mostly, I just love how it tastes.  Indulging in these kids of foods scares me.  I see how easy it would be to slip back in to old habits.  I see how one bite just leads to another until I’m so drunk on food I don’t care what it’s doing to my body.

These last few months, I have been in control.  Today, for the first time in nearly a year, I had no control and didn’t care to.  This afternoon, I stood in my kitchen and finished off the order of crab rangoons (I shouldn’t have bothered to box them up and take them home), and now here I sit feeling, hungry, guilty and fat.  I’m sure I haven’t gained 10 pounds today, but seeing my reflection in my computer monitor I would swear my second chin is rearing her ugly head.

I’m not sure if I can handle this whole reset for my body.  I want so badly to get to the magic BMI number that will give me lifetime membership at Weight Watchers, but I want to be healthy for my family more.  I want to be active and fit so I can play with my kids, I want to have the energy to wake up with them in the morning and not spend the afternoon sleeping on the couch.  This reset may jump start the scale, but then again, it may not.  And then what?  Then I’ve spent a week with old bad habits.  I still have about flex points left (before my official dinner), so maybe 10 by tomorrow.  Didn’t take long to polish those off!  But before I eat those last 10 flex points, I’m going to force myself to stop and reflect on what they will mean for my sanity, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll make a decision I will be happy with tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A French Fry Kind of Weekend

I have posted before about my inability to resits french fries.  You might think that after several months of the same healthy eating style that I might find it easier to resist.  I can say, for me, that certainly is not the case.

For some reason, I always think I can eat just 1 french fry.  This one fry leads to 10 plus.  On Sunday I ate several cold and doggy fries left over from one of my parent’s take out lunches.  You wouldn’t think that cold, soggy fries would be so hard to resist, but I thought I was going to have to dump them on the ground and step on them, since just dumping them on the ground wouldn’t have been enough (I probably would have looked around to make sure no on was watching and eaten them off the ground). 

Later the same day, I ordered dinner (take out, it was that kind of weekend too) for my son.  His came with french fries.  I had ordered a salad with light dressing.  Yay!  That was until I opened my sons meal and smelled the crispy, greasy goodness and proceeded to eat half of his fries. 

My will power is so strong in some cases.  I spend days, weeks, months avoiding those foods that are bad for me.  Sometimes they are sitting right in front of me in my home and sometimes I go out to the kitchen to get some for my husband, and yet I still manage to pass it over.  Then there are times when I could just sit down and eat every last bite.  When it comes to fries, I could probably eat my own and everyone else’s at the table. 

I know I will have to face these foods on a regular basis.  I know I will have to learn when to say when and when to say no.  I have learned a lot of that in the past few months.  But there is just something about french fries.  Lord please keep me out of the french fries!

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Mom’s Job to Eat the Left Overs

There are starving children in Africa, right?  That must be why I feel the need to finish my son’s plate every meal that he doesn’t eat every last bite.  I do such a great job portioning out my meals, then the left overs sitting on his plate taunt me until I give it and gobble them up!  It’s never a lot of food.  It’s not like I pile my 4 year old’s plate, but it all adds up.

Part of the problem in my household, is my son tends to graze after he eats.  He might have a half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch time, but a half hour later, he will often eat the other half.  If it has been tossed or put away, it is the all time end of the world.  So it just sits there staring at me.

Then there are the days when my sweet boy wants to share.  He’ll have an oreo for desert and he will insist that mama needs some or he’ll be munching on cheese its or goldfish crackers and I don’t want to discourage him from sharing.

I know it’s an excuse.  As I sit here typing, I realize what a horrible excuse it is.  I should be teaching my child to stop eating when he’s full, not accept a snack to be polite and not to eat the left overs so as not to be wasteful (not that I want him to do that either but saving for later is an option not to be ignored).

This past few weeks have been more of a struggle for me than it has been since I started.  The first month of my diet, I didn’t let anything fast food other than salad pass through my lips, I didn’t nibble from my little one’s plate, I didn’t go back out to the kitchen and hover over the left overs picking pieces here and there.  I know losing weight (and keeping it off) is about changing a lifestyle and it is obvious I not only still have some pounds to lose, but I still have work to do on myself, my self control, my eating out of boredom and my guilt for wasting food when there are starving children in Africa.

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Lack of Self Control

It is obvious that I struggle a little bit with self control.  It’s like my brain doesn’t tell my body when it’s full when something tastes good.  I could sit down and eat, and eat, and eat and not even realize that I’m full until 20 minutes after I have eaten it all.

I find myself having to avoid certain foods for that reason.  As far as Weight Watchers goes, I can eat whatever I want, but the problem is I can’t.  When I manage to flex my will power muscles, I want to eat everything else in sight. 

I obviously still manage to stick to my guns most of the time.  I have lost nearly 60 pounds, but my love of food scares me.  I’m so afraid of getting back on that track.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to eat like a “normal” person.  I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to go to a restaurant and order whatever I want, or if I will always have to watch every bite I put in my mouth.  Will I ever be able to eat a mozzarella stick and be able to stop myself from eating 6 more?  All I know is, right now, I have to limit that kid of thing.  I know it will never be good for me, and I have to keep telling myself, if I’m never able to eat those things, it will be for the best.

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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