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Making a Choice

Who would choose to be overweight?  Who would want to struggle to reach their toes; shop in stores specifically for people who are heavier?  I worked so hard for a long time to not feel weighed down by more than 100 extra pounds.  It took time, focus and determination to get to the point where I could shop anywhere I wanted to and try on clothes without melting into a sweaty puddle on the floor of the fitting room; eventually leaving the store, praying the size 24 jeans I was leaving with would fit because I was just too exhausted to try on another pair.

Before I started on my weight loss journey I liked to blame my weight on my health.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I walk this very fine line between loosing and gaining.  I could gain 10 pounds in a week.  They claim simple science of 3,500 calories equaling a pound but with PCOS, that isn’t always the case.  I could gain 3 pounds by going over my daily calories by a couple hundred a couple days in a row.  I used that was an excuse.  I choose to let that get in my way and then I choose not to.

Here I am, making the same choice, making excuses.  I’m not ready, I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, my hormones are still out of whack, I’m sleep deprived, it takes so much effort, and on and on I could go.  But the truth is I’ll be saying the same thing 3 weeks from now.  I’m still in a smaller size than I was when I started this process but not far from it.  I promised myself I would never see a size 18 on my body again, but today, that is what I’m wearing, telling myself it is only because I just had a baby and I’ll get out of that size in no time.  That’s so true, but unless I make a choice, I’ll only be leaving the size 18’s to squeeze into a 20.  It’s time to make a choice for my children and for myself.  I refuse to set the example I set for so many years, I will not avoid taking pictures with my babies because I feel like a flabby mess.  I will get back to where I was, I just need to make that choice.

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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One Small Change

I’m constantly telling my Weight Watchers members to focus their attention on one small change a week.  Over the course of time, those small changes add up to big changes that lead to changing your lifestyle rather than just losing weight.  I remember a meeting back when I first became a leader where a member was so worried if she went over her points because of her coffee creamer, she wouldn’t lose.  But she was changing everything else about how she ate, so she still saw big results.  It is so easy to help people with their own struggles, but something totally different when it comes to following your own advice.  With the changing hormones and the exhaustion physically and emotionally, I’m overwhelmed and while these may all add up to excuses, it is just too much for me right now.

So the other day I posted about wearing leggings everyday.  What I didn’t say is I’m pretty much wearing the same 2 pairs of leggings everyday, which certainly is not helping me out of this ‘how did I gain so much weight while I was pregnant’ funk.

Since I’m not ready to hop right back in, I’m trying to shift my focus to one small change at a time.  Today I will not drink my calories.  Well, not all of them, I did have my coffee creamer (keeps me from adding sugar) and some fat free milk this morning, but no soda and no juice.  I have convinced myself grabbing a can of soda, which my hubby keeps stocked in the refrigerator is easier than getting out the ice and the water and dirtying a cup and blah, blah, blah.

I’m planning to pair my physical change with an attempt at an emotional one as well.  This one I’m sure will be a whole lot more difficult.  Size is nothing but a letter and weight is just a number, at least that’s what I tell others all the time.  If that is the case, what does it matter if I buy a pair of bigger pants?  No!  I do not want to get comfortable so I never do what I need to to get back to where I was, but at the same time, it’s not going to happen overnight and these 2 pairs of leggings are likely not going to last that long if I’m wearing them everyday and washing them every other.  I’m sure with my raging hormones, I’ll cry for a couple days when I buy a bigger size but I will just keep reminding myself, I won’t be there long.

 
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Posted by on April 18, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Leggings are Pants

Tomorrow our littlest love will be 2 weeks old (I know!  Where in the world has the time gone?!)  It also marks 2 weeks of wearing nothing but leggings.  I know leggings as pants are a serious fashion tragedy, but right now I find myself not even close to fitting in my pre-pregnancy clothes.  Don’t worry, when I try not to leave the house in said “pants” without a shirt that comes down low enough to cover my butt, cause let’s face it, that’s not sexy for anyone, let alone someone who just grew a human and several sizes over the last 9 months.

I have given some thought to hitting up some thrift shops and getting some “new” clothes but I refuse to allow myself to get too comfortable in this post baby body.  I know that will just make it that much easier to stay off track and continue to make excuses until the bigger size becomes an even bigger size and an even bigger beyond that.  As soon as my doctor gives me the OK, I will be back at the gym and out of those bigger clothes and hopefully out of my sexy “pants” sooner rather than later.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Feeding Mama

There is something I had completely forgotten about having a newborn.  With all the things going on in my household, there are days and times when what mama needs gets pushed to the back burner or simply doesn’t happen at all.  The other day I realized on my way out the door at 11:45 that I hadn’t eaten anything all day!  I hadn’t felt hungry; between diaper changes, bottles, breakfast for big kids it slipped my mind.  This is unheard of for me!  I love food and I love to eat and it is not often I skip a meal, let alone forget.

If only I could forget about the peanut butter ice cream my hubby brought home the other night, or the Oreos he just munched on.  I’m so jealous of the fact that he can have an entire package of cookies and eat 2 or 3 whereas me on the other hand, I’ll eat every last one.

I just need to get used to the idea again that there are going to be things in our household that I say no to.  It’s not like my house is full of junk food all the time, but I do have a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a husband who walks 6 miles a day at his job and doesn’t gain 8 pounds by smelling chocolate.  I’ve done it before I can do it again, but why does the junk have to taste so good?

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Worth All 8 lbs 2 oz

It is no secret it has been a while since my last post.  Time has flown and a lot has changed but yet so much has stayed the same.  I’m still struggling with the same demons when it comes to diet and things have been a whole lot more challenging in that department since August.

In August we found out we were expecting the miracle of baby number 3.  Losing weight obviously eliminated my fertility problems.  We had tried for over a year for our first and 3 years for our second with a year on fertility meds.  I was convinced I could never be surprised by a pregnancy.  Those who have struggled know he window is small.  I am certain this was a mush higher power working in our lives.

Here I sit 9 months later, holding our beautiful baby girl.  She has completed our family.  My pregnancy with her was a cake walk, in the health department and LITERALLY in the weight department.  I allowed myself to indulge on all the things I had cut from my diet for so long.  I went through waves of working my doctor’s approved version of  Weight Watchers only to flop on my face into sleeves of Oreo cookies, mountains of pork fried rice and miles of melty pizza cheese.  It was delicious, disgusting and so totally worth it.

gabby

This face was worth every craving I caved on, every zumba class I had to sit out (doctor’s orders at about 5 months), every tear I cried over clothes that didn’t fit, every pants size between goal and where I am now; it was worth starting over for.  While my clothes from when I started my weight loss journey are much too large, my goal jeans I can’t even pull up past my knees.  I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything other than nap, snuggle and love my boys and our baby girl.

I know I’ll get there, but I know it’s going to take me some time, and probably a long time.  I was happy at goal, but right now I’m euphoric.  I have come a long way from the number I started out at on the scale, but there are other things that never changed and more than likely, never will and I’m OK with that.  There is more to life than counting calories and I’ll get back to that tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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A Lot Can Change in a Year

it has been 1 year since I walked in to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  I remember that morning like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, clammy; I was ashamed.

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I walked into the room a woman who hadn’t looked her husband in the eyes in months.  I walked in unable to stand for long periods of time, unable to go grocery shopping without discomfort.  At 27, I weighed 262.1 pounds and I was ready to make a change.  I had no idea when I walked in to that room how much this journey would change my life.

It started slow for me.  A lot of people talk about how the first week of a new diet they drop pounds like crazy, but I didn’t.  At least not as fast as I wanted to.  I was afraid I would fail.  I had failed before, and I was certain I would again, but I refused to let it keep me from trying.  I beat myself up everyday for allowing myself to get to the point that I did but somewhere along the way, something in me changed.

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As the pounds came off, I gradually hid myself a little less.

In January, I started going to the gym and that’s when the real changes were set into motion for me.  I was proud of the weight I had lost, but I still felt weak.  I didn’t think I was capable of achieving my goals, even though I was working at it and getting there.  I was still ashamed and still looked in the mirror and saw 262 pounds.

Working out has changed not only my body or the numbers on the scale, it has changed me.  I no longer feel weak but I feel strong and capable.

I often find myself thinking after a sweaty, grueling workout, ‘Who is this person?’  Or after watching the sun rise on my ride home from the gym; after using the excuse on more than 100 occasions that I couldn’t get up to workout because I needed my rest, I wonder how I would start my days without accomplishing something before the sun comes up.  I look my husband in the eye, I play with my kids, I’m not to goal weight yet, but I’m happy.  I’m ok with myself.  I’m ok with my body and I’m thrilled with how fair I have come.

I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and one thing I have learned over this past year, is I will never sell myself short again.  In April, I was convinced I could never run more than a mile without stopping to walk, and a couple weeks ago, I ran 3; when I was a cheerleader in high school, I couldn’t do 1 push up, and now I’m able to do 5 at a time (not much to some, but a lot to me).

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I have 12 pounds left to my goal weight, but that is now the after thought rather than the per-cursor.  It’s no longer about the pounds, or the numbers on the scale, it is how I feel, which is the complete opposite from what it has ever been.

I have fought myself every step along the way.  I’ve wanted to give up.  I have struggled to finish workouts, but I have finished them.  I have lost 100 pounds and more than that, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I no longer have a BMI of 43 (I’m down to a 27 BMI).  I tried on a dress yesterday that was a size 4!  A size 4!  From a size 22!  At first I was self conscious about the skin on my legs left behind from loosing 100 pounds, but then I felt hot!

size 4

After years of trying my hardest to blend in, I’m ready to be seen.  Yesterday I bought my first ever “little black dress” and a pair of blue pumps.  I cant wait to wear them for our wedding anniversary this coming weekend.  I haven’t worn heels since before I got pregnant with my first son (about 5 years ago).  I never could have imagined when I walked into that Weight Watchers meeting year ago how my life would change, how I would change and how amazing it would feel.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Couldn’t Do It Without Him

I’ve bragged in the past about how lucky I am to have my amazing husband in my life.  He has been so supportive along the way on my weight loss journey and his role has gotten even more important over the last couple of weeks. 

Our 4 year old started Pre-K this fall.  I was a little nervous it might make my workout schedule hard to keep on track.  He has to e at school in the morning at 8.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have TRX from 6:30-7:15. 

Every Tuesday and Thursday, he gets up and gets our oldest ready for school, gets our youngest breakfast (the other eats at school), gets both boys dressed, gets himself ready for work and allows me to hop in the shower when I get home so we can be out the door by 7:45.  He also holds down the fort on Monday’s while I work all day (it’s his day off) and never complains that I don’t come home until 6:30 so I can do zumba after work.  When I get home, both boys have been fed and there’s usually dinner waiting for me when I walk through the door.  Not all husbands are as supportive and willing to take on the role that mine does.  If it wasn’t for him making sure everything is being done at home, I would feel guilty with every workout, or not have time to squeeze it in at all. 

Last night was a rough night with our youngest.  For some reason, Mr. Man didn’t want to sleep at all.  My husband got up and took him out in the living room where he spent the entire night so I could sleep.  He knew I had TRX this morning, so instead of coming in to wake me up so we could take turns, he just did it, no questions asked and no complaints.  I’m a lucky lady.  While the oldest was at school, I took a nap with the youngest.  It’s my turn to be up all night tonight.

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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