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A Second Opinion And My Goal Weight Is Set

A couple of weeks ago I went into the doctor’s office and spoke with the provider that I saw about what my goal weight should be.  She thought it was absolutely criminal (literally) of me to think my ideal weight may not be written on a BMI chart.

This week, I had an appointment with my actual primary care provider.  She sang a slightly different tune, and was so much easier to chat with about what I’m looking for health wise.  First, let me start by saying, I was not against the BMI recommendations, I’m just feeling so great and so happy with where I am, I’m anxious to start the next part of my journey to maintain, and also wanted to be sure the numbers I was setting for myself were healthy ones for me.

After sitting down with my doctor, we determined my goal weight should be right around 150, which is close to what the BMI chart suggests (145).  She outright stated she would not want to see me get below 150 with my body fat percentage already at a healthy number.  That gives me 18 more pounds to shed.

My doctor also told me if I found myself hitting a plateau before that, to give her a call and she would “support me in my weight decision.”  I was pretty excited after leaving the doctor that day.  I’ve been working really hard towards becoming a better, healthier me and I felt like all those hours spent at the gym, away from my family, away from my kids, is all worth.  I have worked hard to become the mother I wasn’t before.

I know these last 18 pounds aren’t going to fall off.  Why should they?  The other 94 didn’t.  But at this point, my goal is in site.  Losing 112 pounds seemed impossible when I started, but now, it seems inevitable.

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Wanted to Share

I wanted to share the news story from the amazing 5K I did over the weekend.  This was such an amazing experience!  The before picture of me in this story used to make me sick to my stomach, now I look at it and see how far I’ve come, and I’m proud that that woman in that picture had the courage to look herself in the mirror and say, I deserve more than this.

Feel free to watch the video by clicking here!

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Super Slippery Slope

After being stuck on the scale for almost 3 weeks, I decided this week I was going to try mixing up my diet to try to trick my body into losing again.  I’ve tried mixing up my exercise routine without the numbers budging.  I know people who have take a diet break week.  They get a little lax on their diet, then get right back to it the following week.  They may gain a pound that week they take off, but the next week their body starts to let go of the pounds again.

Ever since I began doing Weight Watchers I have tried not to eat my flex points or my activity points.  When I started I had enough points to be satisfied.  I didn’t need to use the extras.  As the pounds dropped off, so did the number of points I could have in a day and I just never started eating those extra points, mostly because I was afraid to.  I was afraid that after so long of not using them, that I would gain if I did.

In the last few months, now that I’m down to a lower amount of points, I’ve found myself using some of my activity points occasionally.

This week I had decided I would eat all of my activity points and all my flex points.  They are there for a reason, yet I still feel guilty using them, and I’m terrified.  I know I should be using those points this week to eat more healthy options such as lean proteins and peanut butter and such.  Instead, I had apple crisp and ice cream last night (not a ton, maybe an eighth of a cup of each), I had a chocolate cookie for breakfast and Chinese food for lunch.  And when I say Chinese food, I mean the good stuff, an egg roll, teriyaki chicken and crab rangoons.

For me it is a slippery slope.  In the past I would never have described myself as a food addict, but in the last couple months I have come to see myself as a recovering one.  I LOVE the taste of food.  I would occasionally eat my feelings before, but mostly, I just love how it tastes.  Indulging in these kids of foods scares me.  I see how easy it would be to slip back in to old habits.  I see how one bite just leads to another until I’m so drunk on food I don’t care what it’s doing to my body.

These last few months, I have been in control.  Today, for the first time in nearly a year, I had no control and didn’t care to.  This afternoon, I stood in my kitchen and finished off the order of crab rangoons (I shouldn’t have bothered to box them up and take them home), and now here I sit feeling, hungry, guilty and fat.  I’m sure I haven’t gained 10 pounds today, but seeing my reflection in my computer monitor I would swear my second chin is rearing her ugly head.

I’m not sure if I can handle this whole reset for my body.  I want so badly to get to the magic BMI number that will give me lifetime membership at Weight Watchers, but I want to be healthy for my family more.  I want to be active and fit so I can play with my kids, I want to have the energy to wake up with them in the morning and not spend the afternoon sleeping on the couch.  This reset may jump start the scale, but then again, it may not.  And then what?  Then I’ve spent a week with old bad habits.  I still have about flex points left (before my official dinner), so maybe 10 by tomorrow.  Didn’t take long to polish those off!  But before I eat those last 10 flex points, I’m going to force myself to stop and reflect on what they will mean for my sanity, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll make a decision I will be happy with tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My Motivation

It has been nearly a year since I started on my weight loss journey.  I have managed to keep my eyes on the prize this whole time, sticking as closely to the diet as possible and logging many hours at the gym.

I’ve been asked at my Weight Watchers meetings and by family and friends about what motivated me to lose weight and what keep me motivated.  After a conversation with my mother in law the other night, I really got thinking about it and I wanted to share some of my motivators.

My husband has always thought of me as beautiful at any weight.  On his desk at his former job, he proudly displayed a picture of me on our wedding day.  He came home from work one day, telling me, what he thought was a compliment.  He said when one of his co-workers said, “Wow, now I see why you married her.  She was hot!”  The only words I head from that sentence were “now” and “was”.  It broke my heart.  I never wanted to be one of those couples where people looked at us on the street and wondered what he was doing with me, although I wondered the same thing myself on several occasions.  But knowing that was what other people were thinking, really hurt.

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Another motivator for me was my children.  I watched my husband get down on the floor and play with them and have so much fun with them.  When I tried, I could only spend 5 minutes on the floor because my feet went to sleep.

I was unable to play at the park with my son.  If I even got out of the car, I spent all my time sitting at the picnic table because after only 5 minutes my feet and my lower back started to pound.

A child does not understand why mama is too big to play, they just know she can’t.  Then one afternoon while reading stories with my boys, my oldest, poked my belly, and in his unknowing innocence told me I was fat.

I choked back tears as I explained to him that fat was not a nice word and that saying things like that can really hurt someone’s feelings.  he apologized and gave me a big hug, but that didn’t take away the sting of his hurt any less.  I know he didn’t and still doesn’t understand why such an obvious observation could be so hurtful.

While I was pregnant with our second child, I went for a boat ride with my husband’s family.  It was a beautiful day filled with lots of laughter and pictures.  I asked my mother in law to snap a photo of my son and I.  I was so excited to think I’d have a new picture I could frame of use together.  Later when she posted the picture on Facebook I was disgusted by what I saw.  I know I was several months pregnant, but in the photo where you can only see my face and my arms (and of course the bag of chips I was eating) I was mortified.

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Those are just a few of the moments that opened my eyes to the problem that my weight had become.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel the shame, the embarrassment and the pain of those moments as if they had happened only yesterday.  I carry them with me and it keeps me moving forward.

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Self Medicating

I have a lot on my plate these days (no pun intended…) We are a single car family, I have 2 children, I’m working 2 part-time jobs while my husband works a full time job, I’m working two jobs because saying finances are tight is an understatement.  I made a doctor’s appointment because I have found myself to be more than a little bit forgetful.  Long story short, I’m now taking something for anxiety. 

When asked by my doctor what my level of anxiety was on a daily basis, I thought about it, and said it was a 3.  She then proceeded to count on her fingers the things that I’m stressing about on a daily basis.  By the time she was finished, she had used all her fingers, and she isn’t even aware of all the things I worry about daily. 

It was a real eye opener, and this mommy sat in the doctor’s office with one child on my lap and one in the chair coloring, while tears flowed about all the things I see as failure.  I know I’m not super woman, but I wanted all of these things in my life, so then why can’t I handle it?  I know no one person can do it all, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to.  I want to be the world to my kids, I want to be able to cook my husband dinner every night, come home to a spotless house after working all day.  I want to be able to support my family and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.  I don’t really feel like it’s much to ask, but apparently, for me, it is. 

I’ve found myself wishing recently for a day.  Just one day with no husband, no children, no work, no cleaning, no worries.  But that would never work for me.  First, I would feel guilty for leaving my husband with my kids, then I would sit and think about all the things I could be or should be doing with my time instead.  Even having these thoughts makes me feel guilty.  I love my kids, I love my husband and I can’t imagine being without them.  I know there are so many people who are not as blessed as I am.  I know there are people out there who would give anything for one more day with their kids or their husband; that same day that I’m wishing to be away from them.

Later on while talking to my sister, she asked me if my stress level had increased since I started losing weight.  Of course it has!  Since that was also the same time my second child was born I didn’t really make the connection.  In our chat, we talked about how we often eat our feelings.  In a stressful time in the past, I would find myself up to my elbow in a chip bag, or savoring a peanut butter cup.  Now all I have to comfort me in those times, is an apple and my own thoughts.  I’m just not used to having those as my options yet.

Perfect example, that night, after talking anxiety with my doctor, I found myself devouring a piece of pizza, and the topping from another piece, which may not have been that bad, if I hadn’t already had my dinner of baked haddock right before that.  That was of course followed immediately by the guilt of knowing I didn’t need it, and knowing I only ate it for that 2 minutes of feel good.

I know I need to find other ways to deal with my feelings.  I have too much guilt bottled up in me and if I’m not careful, it’s going to end up in a Chinese food feeding frenzy that may never end.

While at my doctor’s appointment, I had hoped to talk to my doctor about what my goal weight should be.  Her response was simply, “I don’t want you worrying about your weight right now.  That’s just one more thing on your plate.”  Thanks for that… you know, because now I won’t stress about it at all, right?  WRONG!

P.S. After I post this, I plan to walk to the store for a snack, planning to choose wisely, I hope….

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Mom’s Job to Eat the Left Overs

There are starving children in Africa, right?  That must be why I feel the need to finish my son’s plate every meal that he doesn’t eat every last bite.  I do such a great job portioning out my meals, then the left overs sitting on his plate taunt me until I give it and gobble them up!  It’s never a lot of food.  It’s not like I pile my 4 year old’s plate, but it all adds up.

Part of the problem in my household, is my son tends to graze after he eats.  He might have a half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch time, but a half hour later, he will often eat the other half.  If it has been tossed or put away, it is the all time end of the world.  So it just sits there staring at me.

Then there are the days when my sweet boy wants to share.  He’ll have an oreo for desert and he will insist that mama needs some or he’ll be munching on cheese its or goldfish crackers and I don’t want to discourage him from sharing.

I know it’s an excuse.  As I sit here typing, I realize what a horrible excuse it is.  I should be teaching my child to stop eating when he’s full, not accept a snack to be polite and not to eat the left overs so as not to be wasteful (not that I want him to do that either but saving for later is an option not to be ignored).

This past few weeks have been more of a struggle for me than it has been since I started.  The first month of my diet, I didn’t let anything fast food other than salad pass through my lips, I didn’t nibble from my little one’s plate, I didn’t go back out to the kitchen and hover over the left overs picking pieces here and there.  I know losing weight (and keeping it off) is about changing a lifestyle and it is obvious I not only still have some pounds to lose, but I still have work to do on myself, my self control, my eating out of boredom and my guilt for wasting food when there are starving children in Africa.

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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This is Why I Do Classes

Yesterday I didn’t make it to my WOD like I had hoped to.  I couldn’t find a sitter for my kids so I had to skip.  I didn’t want to just do nothing, and running wasn’t really an option since my husband didn’t make it home from work much before dark.  So I decided to do a Jillian Michaels workout instead.

It was not the best idea I have ever had, and it reminded me why I go to classes.  I do so much better working out in a group atmosphere.  When I’m working out by myself it’s far too easy for me to just give up.

As I’m doing the workout (in my kitchen, since it’s the most open space I have) I’d think to myself, “Well, I really can’t do a burpee in my kitchen,” or “I don’t have a mat and my feet keep slipping.”  I spent a lot more time sitting on the floor watching than I would like to admit.  Not that I slacked on the whole thing.  I definitely got in a workout and was working up a sweat, I just know I didn’t put in as much as I could have.  That being said, I almost stopped 20 minutes in, but finished the entire 35 minutes.

After I was finished I was reminded how much I sometimes short change myself and how little I give myself credit for when I’m on my own.  I hope someday I will put in as much effort in my kitchen doing a workout as I do in the gym.  In the gym I have other people around me, people who can see if I rest on the floor for more time than I need to, or see when I totally skip one exercise because I don’t really like it.  When I have other people watching me, I don’t do that.  I will give up and let myself down when I’m alone, but I can’t stand the thought of people knowing I can’t do it.

I’m only cheating myself by not putting my whole heart into every workout.  I know I can do it; I’ve done it before.  So tonight at zumba, I’m going to give it everything I have to make up for my lacking workout last night, and going to keep my fingers crossed I find some way to get to WOD sooner rather than later!

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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