Making a Choice

Who would choose to be overweight?  Who would want to struggle to reach their toes; shop in stores specifically for people who are heavier?  I worked so hard for a long time to not feel weighed down by more than 100 extra pounds.  It took time, focus and determination to get to the point where I could shop anywhere I wanted to and try on clothes without melting into a sweaty puddle on the floor of the fitting room; eventually leaving the store, praying the size 24 jeans I was leaving with would fit because I was just too exhausted to try on another pair.

Before I started on my weight loss journey I liked to blame my weight on my health.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I walk this very fine line between loosing and gaining.  I could gain 10 pounds in a week.  They claim simple science of 3,500 calories equaling a pound but with PCOS, that isn’t always the case.  I could gain 3 pounds by going over my daily calories by a couple hundred a couple days in a row.  I used that was an excuse.  I choose to let that get in my way and then I choose not to.

Here I am, making the same choice, making excuses.  I’m not ready, I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, my hormones are still out of whack, I’m sleep deprived, it takes so much effort, and on and on I could go.  But the truth is I’ll be saying the same thing 3 weeks from now.  I’m still in a smaller size than I was when I started this process but not far from it.  I promised myself I would never see a size 18 on my body again, but today, that is what I’m wearing, telling myself it is only because I just had a baby and I’ll get out of that size in no time.  That’s so true, but unless I make a choice, I’ll only be leaving the size 18’s to squeeze into a 20.  It’s time to make a choice for my children and for myself.  I refuse to set the example I set for so many years, I will not avoid taking pictures with my babies because I feel like a flabby mess.  I will get back to where I was, I just need to make that choice.

 

One Small Change

I’m constantly telling my Weight Watchers members to focus their attention on one small change a week.  Over the course of time, those small changes add up to big changes that lead to changing your lifestyle rather than just losing weight.  I remember a meeting back when I first became a leader where a member was so worried if she went over her points because of her coffee creamer, she wouldn’t lose.  But she was changing everything else about how she ate, so she still saw big results.  It is so easy to help people with their own struggles, but something totally different when it comes to following your own advice.  With the changing hormones and the exhaustion physically and emotionally, I’m overwhelmed and while these may all add up to excuses, it is just too much for me right now.

So the other day I posted about wearing leggings everyday.  What I didn’t say is I’m pretty much wearing the same 2 pairs of leggings everyday, which certainly is not helping me out of this ‘how did I gain so much weight while I was pregnant’ funk.

Since I’m not ready to hop right back in, I’m trying to shift my focus to one small change at a time.  Today I will not drink my calories.  Well, not all of them, I did have my coffee creamer (keeps me from adding sugar) and some fat free milk this morning, but no soda and no juice.  I have convinced myself grabbing a can of soda, which my hubby keeps stocked in the refrigerator is easier than getting out the ice and the water and dirtying a cup and blah, blah, blah.

I’m planning to pair my physical change with an attempt at an emotional one as well.  This one I’m sure will be a whole lot more difficult.  Size is nothing but a letter and weight is just a number, at least that’s what I tell others all the time.  If that is the case, what does it matter if I buy a pair of bigger pants?  No!  I do not want to get comfortable so I never do what I need to to get back to where I was, but at the same time, it’s not going to happen overnight and these 2 pairs of leggings are likely not going to last that long if I’m wearing them everyday and washing them every other.  I’m sure with my raging hormones, I’ll cry for a couple days when I buy a bigger size but I will just keep reminding myself, I won’t be there long.

 

Feeding Mama

There is something I had completely forgotten about having a newborn.  With all the things going on in my household, there are days and times when what mama needs gets pushed to the back burner or simply doesn’t happen at all.  The other day I realized on my way out the door at 11:45 that I hadn’t eaten anything all day!  I hadn’t felt hungry; between diaper changes, bottles, breakfast for big kids it slipped my mind.  This is unheard of for me!  I love food and I love to eat and it is not often I skip a meal, let alone forget.

If only I could forget about the peanut butter ice cream my hubby brought home the other night, or the Oreos he just munched on.  I’m so jealous of the fact that he can have an entire package of cookies and eat 2 or 3 whereas me on the other hand, I’ll eat every last one.

I just need to get used to the idea again that there are going to be things in our household that I say no to.  It’s not like my house is full of junk food all the time, but I do have a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a husband who walks 6 miles a day at his job and doesn’t gain 8 pounds by smelling chocolate.  I’ve done it before I can do it again, but why does the junk have to taste so good?

 

Worth All 8 lbs 2 oz

It is no secret it has been a while since my last post.  Time has flown and a lot has changed but yet so much has stayed the same.  I’m still struggling with the same demons when it comes to diet and things have been a whole lot more challenging in that department since August.

In August we found out we were expecting the miracle of baby number 3.  Losing weight obviously eliminated my fertility problems.  We had tried for over a year for our first and 3 years for our second with a year on fertility meds.  I was convinced I could never be surprised by a pregnancy.  Those who have struggled know he window is small.  I am certain this was a mush higher power working in our lives.

Here I sit 9 months later, holding our beautiful baby girl.  She has completed our family.  My pregnancy with her was a cake walk, in the health department and LITERALLY in the weight department.  I allowed myself to indulge on all the things I had cut from my diet for so long.  I went through waves of working my doctor’s approved version of  Weight Watchers only to flop on my face into sleeves of Oreo cookies, mountains of pork fried rice and miles of melty pizza cheese.  It was delicious, disgusting and so totally worth it.

This face was worth every craving I caved on, every zumba class I had to sit out (doctor’s orders at about 5 months), every tear I cried over clothes that didn’t fit, every pants size between goal and where I am now; it was worth starting over for.  While my clothes from when I started my weight loss journey are much too large, my goal jeans I can’t even pull up past my knees.  I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything other than nap, snuggle and love my boys and our baby girl.

I know I’ll get there, but I know it’s going to take me some time, and probably a long time.  I was happy at goal, but right now I’m euphoric.  I have come a long way from the number I started out at on the scale, but there are other things that never changed and more than likely, never will and I’m OK with that.  There is more to life than counting calories and I’ll get back to that tomorrow.

 

My Name is Beth and I’m a Fast-Food-Aholic

So here is one of my many vices…fast food.  I would go as far as saying I am addicted.  I have heard people say that the longer they go without it, the worse it tastes to them and I so wish that was the case for me.  Before I started my weight loss journey my typical trip for fast food included a double cheeseburger, 4 piece chicken nugget and fries.  There were days that after eating that, I would go to another fast food restaurant (so I wouldn’t be embarrassed by going around the window twice) and order another double cheeseburger.  Oh, and don’t forget the diet Coke, because of course diet anything makes a difference when that is what you’re eating. 

While working to get to goal weight, I wouldn’t allow myself to do that.  Any fast food trip I made was salad with light or fat free dressing and the occasional order of fries.  To ease some of the craving I would allow myself one bite of whatever my husband was having (he now says it doesn’t taste the same unless I have taken a bite). 

So now I have been at goal for about 10 months.  I have slowly allowed myself to eat a little more of my favorite fast foods, but here’s the problem.  The more of it I eat, the more of it I want to eat.  The other day after scarfing a double cheese burger I was tempted to go around the window and get another one.  It terrified me.  I think it’s time to quit cold turkey.  No more just a little bite  here, just one burger there.  I know there are things about my former diet that will come back to haunt me now that my focus isn’t entirely on losing weight but on maintaining.  I’ve found that to be even harder the more I run and the further my distance it.  I convince myself I earned it, and I burned way more than that running.  While the numbers on the scale haven’t moved upward, I know those ‘rewards’ are not helping my runs, but in fact hurting them. 

So there it is, my confession for the day.  I will not hide it like I used to, I will own it and change it and that is what will make all the difference for me.

 

Confessions of a Snack-aholic

So here I sit, 10:30 in the morning and all the snacks I brought for the entire day are gone!  All I have left in my lunch bag is my sandwich…

This is a problem I face regularly.  I am a chronic snacker.  If it’s there, I will eat it and because I have already counted my snacks into my points for the day, I figure it’s fine.  It is fine, until the mid afternoon hunger pangs start in and I have to add to my already consumed snacks before my stomach eats itself. 

In my job, I can snack at my desk whenever I want to as long as said snack doesn’t require use of silverware.  I get to work at 8 and try to eat breakfast before I leave my house.  So what have I snacked through this morning?  I have had a fiber one bar, a rice krispies treat, strawberries, dill pickles, 2 tangerines, all in 2 hours time and after having oatmeal for breakfast. 

I have tried setting a snack time for myself, but i just can’t seem to stick to it.  I think I need to start packing snacks that take me longer to eat so I can keep my hands busy longer; maybe some gum…  I don’t know, all I know is all this talk about snacks is making me hungry….

 

Glimpses of Who I Used to Be

If you are what you eat, I got glimpses of the person I used to be this past week.  I have had so much success in my weight loss journey that these past few weeks of stuck are really getting to me.  In my quest to find the right balance of calories I have in fact found all the wrong foods.

On Friday, I found myself laying on the couch, munching on my kids’ Halloween candy.  As it always works, 1 piece lead to 2, to 3 and before I knew it, I had consumed my calories and not in a healthy way. 

That same day, I had slept through spin.  I just couldn’t lift my head off the pillow, so after my alarm went off at 5, I turned it off and stayed in bed until about 7. 

Saturday didn’t get any better for me. Those snack sized peanut butter cups sit on the table and call my name so loudly, it is almost impossible to silence them, and while I saw glimpses of my former self laying on the couch munching on mini Musketeers; I have to remind myself that the old me wouldn’t have stopped.  I would have had 4 times as much before.  I would have poured myself a tall glass of milk (not fat free milk for sure), sat down with a full sized bag of M&Ms, 3-4 peanut butter cups, a handful of Musketeers and a few Twix.  Later, every time I walked through the kitchen, I would have grabbed another piece. 
This would have all followed a Halloween night full of munching and indulging.  I would have been that mom who ate all of her kids candy.

So yesterday, I did something the my former self never would have done; I hauled my butt to the gym and while it was only a half an hour, I got my sweat on. 

Thank God everyday is a new day.  Yesterday after my quick trip to the gym, I had a great day.  Only candy was a Tootsie Pop, 1 point and worth it!

 

Diet Reset

I posted yesterday about considering taking a week off to eat all my activity points and all my flex points.  I had considered doing it next week, but decided, there’s no time like the present.

Between last night and today, I’ve managed to eat 23 activity points and 8 flex points.  You might wonder how in 2 days I ate more than entire day’s worth of points (I get 28).  Well last night, while at the window at Wendy’s, I was planning to order my usual of a small chilli since I only had a few points left for the day, and instead I came home with a 1/4 pound cheese burger and small fry.  I ate every last bite.  I hadn’t had a fast food burger since October, and while it tasted so good, I felt rather sick afterwards.  I knew I had to go to bed asap before I ate even more, knowing all the grease would only make me hungry. 

I even got up early this morning to try to make up for it with a living room zumba session.  Then came a day of family get togethers.  I managed to do pretty well today until this evening, after all my daily points were gone, when I ate a cheeseburger (without the bun).  Oh well, I guess.  Maybe I’ll be lucky enough that my body will be tricked by all the extra crap I put into it this weekend. 

In the meantime, tomorrow is a restart day.  I know that if I’m ever going to get to goal weight (and I will) I need to make some changes.  I need to start planning out my weekly meals.  That way I know at the beginning of each day what to save for dinner.  I also don’t run into the, “we have nothing to eat, so I’ll just grab something.”  I know that while sticking to my diet and my points to the letter has worked for me for a while, it isn’t right now.  I’m going to try eating half of my activity points every week and see where it gets me.  I’m also exploring the idea of a guilt free meal every Wednesday after my weigh in.  I know that I want this diet to not just be a fad for me.  I want to get to goal weight and stay there and I can’t do it if I’m always feeling like I’m depriving myself.  After all, that is why Weight Watchers has flex points. 

I’m not expecting a great weigh in this week, but I am expecting a bit more from myself in the next couple of days leading up to it.

Anyone else who has been dieting for a while have any tricks for keeping yourself accountable?

 

Diet Sabotage

So I have to admit it, these past few weeks have been a major struggle for me as far as diet goes.  My exercise is spot on, but my diet is a whole nother story.

A few weeks ago I lost another point on my Weight Watchers diet.  It seems like ever since then, I can’t seem to stay within my daily points.  You might not think that 1 point wouldn’t make that much difference, but for me, it obviously does.

I have often wondered how people can get so close to their goal weight, and then start gaining, and while the number on the scale has not gone up, I feel like it is only a matter of time.  Not that I’m doing it on purpose, by any means.  I have stuck so closely to the diet since October.  I have followed the plan to the letter, eating as few of my activity points and flex points as possible.

I’m considering a week long break.  Maybe taking a week to take the worry out of my life as suggested by my doctor.  Not a week to go crazy, but a week to take some of the pressure off myself.  Maybe a week to eat all my activity and all my flex points so I don’t fall completely off the wagon then have to fight my way back on.

I’m a little lost.  I’m afraid if I don’t allow myself a week of relaxation on my diet, I’ll end up straying from it entirely and going crazy.  But then I’m afraid if I allow myself a controlled fall, it will be just the beginning.  AHHHH!

 

Self Medicating

I have a lot on my plate these days (no pun intended…) We are a single car family, I have 2 children, I’m working 2 part-time jobs while my husband works a full time job, I’m working two jobs because saying finances are tight is an understatement.  I made a doctor’s appointment because I have found myself to be more than a little bit forgetful.  Long story short, I’m now taking something for anxiety. 

When asked by my doctor what my level of anxiety was on a daily basis, I thought about it, and said it was a 3.  She then proceeded to count on her fingers the things that I’m stressing about on a daily basis.  By the time she was finished, she had used all her fingers, and she isn’t even aware of all the things I worry about daily. 

It was a real eye opener, and this mommy sat in the doctor’s office with one child on my lap and one in the chair coloring, while tears flowed about all the things I see as failure.  I know I’m not super woman, but I wanted all of these things in my life, so then why can’t I handle it?  I know no one person can do it all, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to.  I want to be the world to my kids, I want to be able to cook my husband dinner every night, come home to a spotless house after working all day.  I want to be able to support my family and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.  I don’t really feel like it’s much to ask, but apparently, for me, it is. 

I’ve found myself wishing recently for a day.  Just one day with no husband, no children, no work, no cleaning, no worries.  But that would never work for me.  First, I would feel guilty for leaving my husband with my kids, then I would sit and think about all the things I could be or should be doing with my time instead.  Even having these thoughts makes me feel guilty.  I love my kids, I love my husband and I can’t imagine being without them.  I know there are so many people who are not as blessed as I am.  I know there are people out there who would give anything for one more day with their kids or their husband; that same day that I’m wishing to be away from them.

Later on while talking to my sister, she asked me if my stress level had increased since I started losing weight.  Of course it has!  Since that was also the same time my second child was born I didn’t really make the connection.  In our chat, we talked about how we often eat our feelings.  In a stressful time in the past, I would find myself up to my elbow in a chip bag, or savoring a peanut butter cup.  Now all I have to comfort me in those times, is an apple and my own thoughts.  I’m just not used to having those as my options yet.

Perfect example, that night, after talking anxiety with my doctor, I found myself devouring a piece of pizza, and the topping from another piece, which may not have been that bad, if I hadn’t already had my dinner of baked haddock right before that.  That was of course followed immediately by the guilt of knowing I didn’t need it, and knowing I only ate it for that 2 minutes of feel good.

I know I need to find other ways to deal with my feelings.  I have too much guilt bottled up in me and if I’m not careful, it’s going to end up in a Chinese food feeding frenzy that may never end.

While at my doctor’s appointment, I had hoped to talk to my doctor about what my goal weight should be.  Her response was simply, “I don’t want you worrying about your weight right now.  That’s just one more thing on your plate.”  Thanks for that… you know, because now I won’t stress about it at all, right?  WRONG!

P.S. After I post this, I plan to walk to the store for a snack, planning to choose wisely, I hope….