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Self Medicating

I have a lot on my plate these days (no pun intended…) We are a single car family, I have 2 children, I’m working 2 part-time jobs while my husband works a full time job, I’m working two jobs because saying finances are tight is an understatement.  I made a doctor’s appointment because I have found myself to be more than a little bit forgetful.  Long story short, I’m now taking something for anxiety. 

When asked by my doctor what my level of anxiety was on a daily basis, I thought about it, and said it was a 3.  She then proceeded to count on her fingers the things that I’m stressing about on a daily basis.  By the time she was finished, she had used all her fingers, and she isn’t even aware of all the things I worry about daily. 

It was a real eye opener, and this mommy sat in the doctor’s office with one child on my lap and one in the chair coloring, while tears flowed about all the things I see as failure.  I know I’m not super woman, but I wanted all of these things in my life, so then why can’t I handle it?  I know no one person can do it all, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to.  I want to be the world to my kids, I want to be able to cook my husband dinner every night, come home to a spotless house after working all day.  I want to be able to support my family and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.  I don’t really feel like it’s much to ask, but apparently, for me, it is. 

I’ve found myself wishing recently for a day.  Just one day with no husband, no children, no work, no cleaning, no worries.  But that would never work for me.  First, I would feel guilty for leaving my husband with my kids, then I would sit and think about all the things I could be or should be doing with my time instead.  Even having these thoughts makes me feel guilty.  I love my kids, I love my husband and I can’t imagine being without them.  I know there are so many people who are not as blessed as I am.  I know there are people out there who would give anything for one more day with their kids or their husband; that same day that I’m wishing to be away from them.

Later on while talking to my sister, she asked me if my stress level had increased since I started losing weight.  Of course it has!  Since that was also the same time my second child was born I didn’t really make the connection.  In our chat, we talked about how we often eat our feelings.  In a stressful time in the past, I would find myself up to my elbow in a chip bag, or savoring a peanut butter cup.  Now all I have to comfort me in those times, is an apple and my own thoughts.  I’m just not used to having those as my options yet.

Perfect example, that night, after talking anxiety with my doctor, I found myself devouring a piece of pizza, and the topping from another piece, which may not have been that bad, if I hadn’t already had my dinner of baked haddock right before that.  That was of course followed immediately by the guilt of knowing I didn’t need it, and knowing I only ate it for that 2 minutes of feel good.

I know I need to find other ways to deal with my feelings.  I have too much guilt bottled up in me and if I’m not careful, it’s going to end up in a Chinese food feeding frenzy that may never end.

While at my doctor’s appointment, I had hoped to talk to my doctor about what my goal weight should be.  Her response was simply, “I don’t want you worrying about your weight right now.  That’s just one more thing on your plate.”  Thanks for that… you know, because now I won’t stress about it at all, right?  WRONG!

P.S. After I post this, I plan to walk to the store for a snack, planning to choose wisely, I hope….

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Not Feeling So Guilty Anymore

Before I started working out I had a really hard time convincing myself it was ok to take that hour or 2 to leave my kids at home and go to the gym.  Before my second was born, I was working full time and just couldn’t imagine being away from my little man any more than I absolutely had to. 

After the birth of our second, I cut back my hours to part-time, but now instead of sharing my time with work, I was splitting it between 2 children.  It worked as an excellent excuse for me for a long time. 

When I started working out on a regular basis, I still struggled with knowing I was not with my kids.  I had a hard time not rushing home right after work on Monday nights to be with them after being at work all day.  I had to fight the urge to go pick them up from my in-law’s on Wednesdays as soon as 5 o’clock rolled around.  I tried to get up early in the mornings to go before they woke up, but I’m not an early riser and would just use that as another excuse.

Gradually I have found myself feeling a little less guilty about my workouts.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting some much needed me time, or if it’s because I know that these few hours a week I’m spending away from them now is buying me years with them in the future.  All I know is, when 5 o’clock rolls around on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I look forward to shaking my butt off at zumba, and now on Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m looking forward to my WOD, and then I drive as fast as I can, safely, of course, to get home to my kids.  They are one of the biggest reasons I want to get healthier, and I won’t allow myself to use them as an excuse anymore.  They deserve better, and that is what I’m giving them.

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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