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Making a Choice

Who would choose to be overweight?  Who would want to struggle to reach their toes; shop in stores specifically for people who are heavier?  I worked so hard for a long time to not feel weighed down by more than 100 extra pounds.  It took time, focus and determination to get to the point where I could shop anywhere I wanted to and try on clothes without melting into a sweaty puddle on the floor of the fitting room; eventually leaving the store, praying the size 24 jeans I was leaving with would fit because I was just too exhausted to try on another pair.

Before I started on my weight loss journey I liked to blame my weight on my health.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I walk this very fine line between loosing and gaining.  I could gain 10 pounds in a week.  They claim simple science of 3,500 calories equaling a pound but with PCOS, that isn’t always the case.  I could gain 3 pounds by going over my daily calories by a couple hundred a couple days in a row.  I used that was an excuse.  I choose to let that get in my way and then I choose not to.

Here I am, making the same choice, making excuses.  I’m not ready, I just had a baby 3 weeks ago, my hormones are still out of whack, I’m sleep deprived, it takes so much effort, and on and on I could go.  But the truth is I’ll be saying the same thing 3 weeks from now.  I’m still in a smaller size than I was when I started this process but not far from it.  I promised myself I would never see a size 18 on my body again, but today, that is what I’m wearing, telling myself it is only because I just had a baby and I’ll get out of that size in no time.  That’s so true, but unless I make a choice, I’ll only be leaving the size 18’s to squeeze into a 20.  It’s time to make a choice for my children and for myself.  I refuse to set the example I set for so many years, I will not avoid taking pictures with my babies because I feel like a flabby mess.  I will get back to where I was, I just need to make that choice.

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Posted by on April 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Worth All 8 lbs 2 oz

It is no secret it has been a while since my last post.  Time has flown and a lot has changed but yet so much has stayed the same.  I’m still struggling with the same demons when it comes to diet and things have been a whole lot more challenging in that department since August.

In August we found out we were expecting the miracle of baby number 3.  Losing weight obviously eliminated my fertility problems.  We had tried for over a year for our first and 3 years for our second with a year on fertility meds.  I was convinced I could never be surprised by a pregnancy.  Those who have struggled know he window is small.  I am certain this was a mush higher power working in our lives.

Here I sit 9 months later, holding our beautiful baby girl.  She has completed our family.  My pregnancy with her was a cake walk, in the health department and LITERALLY in the weight department.  I allowed myself to indulge on all the things I had cut from my diet for so long.  I went through waves of working my doctor’s approved version of  Weight Watchers only to flop on my face into sleeves of Oreo cookies, mountains of pork fried rice and miles of melty pizza cheese.  It was delicious, disgusting and so totally worth it.

gabby

This face was worth every craving I caved on, every zumba class I had to sit out (doctor’s orders at about 5 months), every tear I cried over clothes that didn’t fit, every pants size between goal and where I am now; it was worth starting over for.  While my clothes from when I started my weight loss journey are much too large, my goal jeans I can’t even pull up past my knees.  I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything other than nap, snuggle and love my boys and our baby girl.

I know I’ll get there, but I know it’s going to take me some time, and probably a long time.  I was happy at goal, but right now I’m euphoric.  I have come a long way from the number I started out at on the scale, but there are other things that never changed and more than likely, never will and I’m OK with that.  There is more to life than counting calories and I’ll get back to that tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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My Name is Beth and I’m a Fast-Food-Aholic

So here is one of my many vices…fast food.  I would go as far as saying I am addicted.  I have heard people say that the longer they go without it, the worse it tastes to them and I so wish that was the case for me.  Before I started my weight loss journey my typical trip for fast food included a double cheeseburger, 4 piece chicken nugget and fries.  There were days that after eating that, I would go to another fast food restaurant (so I wouldn’t be embarrassed by going around the window twice) and order another double cheeseburger.  Oh, and don’t forget the diet Coke, because of course diet anything makes a difference when that is what you’re eating. 

While working to get to goal weight, I wouldn’t allow myself to do that.  Any fast food trip I made was salad with light or fat free dressing and the occasional order of fries.  To ease some of the craving I would allow myself one bite of whatever my husband was having (he now says it doesn’t taste the same unless I have taken a bite). 

So now I have been at goal for about 10 months.  I have slowly allowed myself to eat a little more of my favorite fast foods, but here’s the problem.  The more of it I eat, the more of it I want to eat.  The other day after scarfing a double cheese burger I was tempted to go around the window and get another one.  It terrified me.  I think it’s time to quit cold turkey.  No more just a little bite  here, just one burger there.  I know there are things about my former diet that will come back to haunt me now that my focus isn’t entirely on losing weight but on maintaining.  I’ve found that to be even harder the more I run and the further my distance it.  I convince myself I earned it, and I burned way more than that running.  While the numbers on the scale haven’t moved upward, I know those ‘rewards’ are not helping my runs, but in fact hurting them. 

So there it is, my confession for the day.  I will not hide it like I used to, I will own it and change it and that is what will make all the difference for me.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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I Never Would Have Thought

I have said more than a time or two that I’m not a “runner.”  I keep a fairly slow pace and I’ve always had it in my mind if you are a ‘runner’ you should be good at it, and I’m not.  I’m not fast, in fact I still struggle to get under a 12 minute pace, I’ve still never ran a mile in less than 10 minutes and I’ve never looked around at the scenery and thought I love that I’m out running.  Shouldn’t I at least enjoy it to be a ‘runner?’

But here I am, entering week 3 of my half marathon training and if nothing else, I am starting to feel like an athlete.  I have logged right around 40 miles in the last 3 weeks.  Yesterday I ran 7 miles!  The only time I stopped was for a quick water break right around the 6 mile marker.  I’ve come a long way since the first time I ran last year when I struggled to make it from 1 telephone poll to the next.

So you might wonder why I bother running when I really hate it so much and I have some really good reasons.  The obvious, it burns a lot of calories and is helping me tone up some of those tough to tone spots, but it’s more than that.  First, it is a goal I have set for myself.  I want to run a marathon.  I started me weight loss journey at 26.2 pounds and to me running 26.2 miles would be coming full circle.  Second, it challenges me like nothing else.  I have to force myself to get out and run, the entire time I’m running, I have to will myself to keep going and when I’m done, I feel accomplishment I can’t explain.  When I run, I push my brain and my body to do things I never could have imagined I was capable of doing.  It makes me feel empowered, strong and it makes me feel like I can conquer the world; like anything I put my mind to doing is mine to accomplish.

running

I spent a lot of years not challenging my body or my mind.  I used the pounds as an excuse and my self-esteem dwindled until I saw myself as nothing more than a failure.  I had failed my husband, turning from the healthy active woman he married to a couch potato who didn’t want to do anything and who only felt sexy looking at pictures of my past self; I failed my children, not spending time with them playing on the floor because my feet fell asleep, not playing at the park because I was winded after just walking from the car; and I was failing myself, for all the above reasons and so many more.  I was not the woman I wanted to be and I was convinced I never could be.

Even after seeing success on the scale, this change in my mentality has only come from working out, and nothing proves to me what I’m capable like running does.

So far in this training I have learned where my wall is.  Right around 2-3 miles I just want to quit, I want to give up, I want to go back to the couch and put my feet up, but when I push through that, I can go beyond my wildest dreams.  Along the way yesterday I kept saying to myself, I’ll break for a walk after 3 miles, I’ll walk for a minute when my pace drops off, I’ll run to that sign, I’ll stop at the top of this hill… and I never did.  When I started this training, I still doubted it was even remotely possible for me to run a half marathon.  I mean, do you know how far 13.1 miles actually is?!  But I’ve got this.  No more sitting around letting the world pass me by, I want to be out moving, even if it is only at a 5 mph pace.  It may take me a little longer, but I’ll get there, and then I will keep going.  And who knows, maybe someday I’ll see myself as a ‘runner.’

running 2

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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I’ll Take That as a Compliment

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and she mentioned she had seen my dad in the grocery store.  He had told her I had lost more weight and he just didn’t want me getting too skinny.  Last week, I saw my uncle at church and she said, “I see you’ve lost more weight.” 

The truth of the matter is, I’ve actually gained 5 pounds!  I sit happy and healthy at 112 pounds lost.  I take these comments as a complement.  I see this as a perfect demonstration as to why even though I am at goal weight, my workouts continue.  I work harder now than I did when I was losing.  When I was trying to lose weight, I was completely focused, and while I allowed myself to eat what I wanted, I didn’t want to eat the treats because all that mattered at that point in time was the end result.  Now here I am at the end result and know I have to allow myself to be a human being.  I need to allow myself to indulge every once in a while and my workouts help me to do that.  Not only that, but they make me feel strong, healthy, energized, refreshed, de-stressed and on and on I could go.

Along the same line, out of curiosity, I decided to check my BMI again.  While for my height my max weight should be 150 (which I am 150) the CDC and my insurance company still calls me overweight!  Really?  Why do we have to put everyone into a box?  I know it’s the easiest way to standardize but I find it hard to believe that my xs, size 4 body is overweight.  While my BMI says I’m overweight, my waist-to-height ratio says I’m 1 pants size away from being underweight. 

A friend of mine reminded me of this: ” Instead of BMI we should be measuring our happiness, our strength, our ability to run around with our kids, our confidence in ourselves, our desire to consume real food most of the time and splurge now and then. The government, CDC, insurance companies, and major food producers want us to be constantly herded sheep striving after goals that are either unattainable, unrealistic, and most obvious, unhealthy. I prefer to be a goat, since they eat what they want, do what they want, escape the artificial boundaries around them, and dare to be silly just because they can.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself!

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Zumba for my Best

A couple months back I got my license to be a zumba instructor. I’m super excited to say I’ll be instructing a class this fall 2 days a week. In the meantime, I’m participating in a fundraiser for local families dealing with cancer. I lost my best childhood friend to cancer a few years back. I miss her everyday and am so glad I can be a part of this fundraiser. My cool down song I chose with her in the very front of my mind.
Every time I dance Lace, I think of you and today I will close my eyes and let you surround me and wish for the day you could “beam me up” for just a minute.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Temptation at Every Turn

This past few days have been rough.  I finally got rid of that 2 pounds that’s been bugging me for a couple months now and I’m pretty sure I found it again this weekend.  Seemed like temptation was lurking everywhere I turned. 

Saturday was my nephews birthday with was Chinese food and cake (I never used to like cake, but now I LOVE cake!), followed by my grandmother’s birthday party on Sunday.  And like I was saying, back in my bigger days, could have taken cake or left it, but now I just can’t seem to say no.  I want to eat entire cakes worth of frosting and groan with each taste.  The cake on Sunday was nearly life changing, it was that good.

Today I promised to get back on track and I’ve done pretty well so far considering the jelly donuts in the lunch room have been calling my name since about 10 this morning and just when the donuts were almost gone, someone leaves half a carrot cake and did I mention, I LOVE cake?  Please 5 o’clock, get here soon so I can go to zumba and think about something other than delicious frosted treats.

 
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Posted by on June 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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